Holaaaaa

Holaaaaa

Well, its time I pulled my finger out.   This blog will cover an array of things, product reviews, recipes,  cards and more.  I will have the whole summer  to plan soon!  I’m excited. 

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Hi!

Hi!

Long time no see!!  I’ve started a new venture.  I now make cards!  I’m a Stampin’ Up Independent Consultant over at heatherfev.stampinup.net and I plan to do a lot on this site when I’ve found my feet.

Keep your eyes peeled

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi.

Well, haven’t been here in a while!  Had a lot going on, but I am more determined than ever to get myself back on track, so here I am.

I will be looking at new recipes, inspirations and basically talking crap YAY!

 

The Rollercoaster

The Rollercoaster

Life always has it’s ups and downs, generally I have a great life, I want for nothing (well – not out of the ordinary) – I have wonderful friends (mostly :P) and I have my health (generally).   Since having this clash with depression and anxiety I haven’t felt myself at all, it’s made me take a good long hard look at myself, things around me and just generally try to bop this on the head once and for all.

I’ve always been an anxious person, but I’ve hidden it well 95% of the time, and if I have ever talked about it with people a majority have done the usual thing of “oh you’ll be fine!” “stop worrying ffs!” “you’ve got a good life, just be happy!” – all very helpful!  I am finding a lot of people do not understand unless they have been through it, or have a good amount of empathy, I am lucky because a majority of my friends have been beyond amazing – they have dealt with my insane notions they dislike me, they haven’t run away when I have ranted, they’ve been nothing short of phenomenal.  There have been a few that haven’t reacted like I had hoped, one hasn’t even bothered to respond to me at all which I am so disappointed and sad about, as I have always been there for them from large to small things, they haven’t spoken to me in months, a couple have admitted they don’t understand, but have offered hugs, but you can tell they haven’t got a clue and why would they?

I did find a good friend has been through this, on quite a major level, twice.  Talking to her was amazing, it felt like she totally understood – we laughed and we joked around, but also I felt like it was someone I could go to that I wouldn’t feel a terrible burden to, and obviously she has another confidant too now.

It’s been a weird few months for me, I’ve been so low I have scared myself, but also started to feel happier feels weird, part of me battles to say I shouldn’t – because I believe I am an awful person – and part of me listens to those around me that say I should be happy, I have nothing to feel ashamed or sorry for.

A lot of people have said they think I am strong, patient, calm – I can tell you internally I am none of those things, but obviously I can handle my exterior feelings well – I don’t know why I am rambling here, but I am!  I guess it’s because where I can ramble haha.

I often let things get to me, I try to do a million things at once, at a million miles an hour, I take on everyone elses problems and I try to do anything I can for anyone – which I enjoy doing – but I think in the midst of that I have lost part of myself, which is what I need to find again.

I am part of an online community, and have been for over a decade, I have dedicated so much money, time and effort into it, and it’s always been there when I have needed to escape – I haven’t had much time for it recently and while a majority of what I do there is ruled by time constraints and watched carefully to see how much I have done, a lot of ppl have been so lovely and supportive, others – not so much – but that’s ok. I have always worried about not doing my best there, but at the end of the day it is just an online community – one I love and adore, but RL must and should always come first – I am starting to accept that.

I am still hiding away pretty much – keeping social media at arms length but making sure I keep in contact with friends – I think I need to remember that my true friends are always there, no matter how quiet I am, they keep an eye on me, and I keep an eye on them, and we will always pick up where we left off, everyone else? Probably not worth worrying about.

I feel a little bit mental, but then apparently, I am a little bit mental – but who isn’t?

I did it last week..

I did it last week..

I lost 2.5lbs – so chuffed with myself – then I had a drink at the weekend and spent all day yesterday recovering and eating all the things – I think I did a record of three fast food meals in one day – ugh.    Drinking didn’t make me feel better – only worse. GOOD JOB SELF!  It was for birthday celebrations tho, so I guess that’s ok.

A lot of people always ask me how I am feeling now, I think it’s what you do when people are down, and the truth is always “struggling”.  I am trying to move on and get past all the stuff, I feel ridiculous at times for feeling the way I do over something so trivial to others.  But I guess there is always someone with a bigger issue, it’s all relative isn’t it.. to yourself I mean.

I am probably boring the socks off anyone that reads this, but I need to write it down and get it out,  and this is my blog so I figure its a good a place as any.  Although I recently joined an online mental health forum and they are such a lovely bunch, and I don’t feel as much of a burden on my friends either. win win.

I feel a bit weird using the term “mental health” when describing what I am going through,  I have struggled for years with feelings, anxiety, feeling down, useless, sad.. but I have never really done much about it, on the outside everyone says I am so cheery (well in a morbid way :D) and seem so with it, my friend was really surprised when I said I was looking to get help, not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I keep chanting to myself – girl, you tried to invite two unknown rescue animals into your home, with the best of intentions,  one of them did not get along with your existing pets, and one of your existing pets did not get along back – it didn’t work out – you didn’t abandon them, you took them back to a warm, safe home where they will spend out the rest of their days – for the safety of all the animals – and that wasn’t a bad thing to do, it was a hard thing to do, but a responsible thing to do.   This doesn’t mean you can’t try again when and if the time is right.

I keep telling myself that and I start to believe it, then something happens and I am right back to feeling like a massive sack of shit again.  I love animals, I’d do anything to help any animal.  I feel like I failed those ones, but if I had have kept them around – I would have been failing them AND my cats.   I guess part of me is really pissed off cos I was so naive – I thought they’d fit right in – and I feel guilty I didn’t think about that more.    I’m also annoyed the rehoming knew they weren’t cat tested but thought they’d be ok too as they usually are.   I’m upset and annoyed at myself mostly tho.

This whole thing has thrown my life into complete disarray, it’s crazy.  My diets gone out the window, I haven’t even looked at my homework when my exam is in a few months and all coursework has to be in in a month or so, I’ve stopped eating, eaten too much, had no sleep, slept all the time – it’s been such a rollercoaster.   I feel like a burden to most, then I feel lonely and think maybe if I just disappeared from everywhere then peoples lives would be much better without me prattling on, like just delete all my social media stuff, get a train somewhere far away and just let ppl have good lives without me in it.. and that scares me and makes me sad because I know that’s not right.

Everyone I have spoken to has been nothing short of kind and amazing, yet here I am still worrying ppl think I’m a terrible person and I should be ashamed.

So no, I don’t like to use the term “mental health” but that is what it is, and that is what I am having a problem with right now.  BUT YAY, lost 2.5lbs.

People have asked me to please concentrate on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, because they are far more important and outweigh the other, that I am a wonderful, kind, funny, caring person.  I wish I felt that!

What I wouldn’t give for a time machine, huh?

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

I can’t say that’s totally true for me, if you know me or you’ve been keeping up with my blog you know its been a very mixed emotion month or so, but as a good friend said to me, yes you’ll feel down, but the periods that you don’t will get longer and longer.

I can’t help but think about the whole dog adoption trial failure debarcle over and over, even though many have said it’s done, it can’t be undone, you tried your best and ALL animals are safe, happy and settled, so you did the absolute right thing – it still makes me cry all the time.   I know there is nothing stopping me in the future to provide a rescue dog with a home and maybe that will heal the pain caused by this, but I also am not naive enough to know that it will be a long process, making sure the cats are ok with dogs, making sure the dog is ok with cats, making sure we get the absolute right fight for our household – so all is not lost forever, just this time it wasn’t supposed to be.

Pretty sure all my friends are sick of listening to me whinge on about it, although they’ve all been so great to me, and I love them for it.

Anyway, I need to try and get out of this funk and I am not sure how – I need to start exercising again, I need to get back on dieting again –  I need to get out of this low slump that I can’t seem to manage.   But I know my mental health and my actual health are on a downward spiral right now and I need to sort that – I need to stop feeling like a horrible person, like a failure – yes something failed but not for the want of making it work, not with all the best intentions – I tried to give rescue dogs a home a home with rescue cats and was naive enough to think as they were the same breed as our old dog they’d be ok,  and I was wrong – that doesn’t mean I am a horrible person, I didn’t dump them on the street or even in a kennel, they went back to a warm house which they were previously fostered in and are beyond loved and are happier there.   Stop beating myself up – that is what I need to do.

That being said, a friend of mine donated us two Musk Turtles, as after having a child and moving into a smaller flat really needed the room they took up – so now we have two turtles too, they’re cute and they are going in my eldest daughters room, my girls are happy with them and although yes we have cats, they are in a lidded tank and the cats won’t be able to get to them – but it’s given me something new to worry about!

Ugh, someone slap me and make me sort my damn life out please.  I just hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a terrible person because I try so so hard to be the best I can, and I do anything and everything for anyone and everyone – I am a people pleaser, and I feel that is my biggest failure here.