It’s the “Peak” of the Week

It’s the “Peak” of the Week

HOW IS IT A PEAK! I AM SO HUNGRY! LOL!

Oh god, I have to laugh or i’d cry! I am still finding this a struggle and I am unsure as to why, I’ve done it before – hell, I did it a few weeks ago but this week I am just sooooooOoooOOOoooOOo HUNGRY!

I have been keeping a track on my planner (PS: If you are on WW and want to be my pal, friend, buddy, chum – my name is Heatherfev21!) and yesterday I did the good old breakfast banana again, and then my daily coffee at work at 10am – well it’s from the coffee place here, so I count it as 2 points, then for lunch I had a sandwich and I have to tell you it was a bit underwhelming.

The thing with Salad is it fills you up at the time, then you grow hungry… but then you can snack on fruit! I found having a sandwich didn’t fill me up at all, and I was still hungry – lesson learnt.  I think Carbs is my downfall really, I love them and I don’t have many meals without Carbs, but I don’t have much protein, that is another thing I need to change.

For tea I only had around 12 points left and Tuesdays are a long day for me, work until 5, then my youngest has Rainbows at 5.30, and I have to pick her up again at 6.30 and by the time I get home I really don’t want to cook a huge dinner!   This is where I need to learn to prep.  So I looked in the fridge, and the cupboards, and the freezer and was like UGH WHAT DO I WANT?! My eldest had chosen a ready meal, my youngest just wanted a snack as she’d eaten at her various after school clubs, so I opted for Crumpets and Scrambled Egg! OH MY GLOB, it was delicious.  I added a little butter and cheese to the eggs (well within allowance) and the crumpets were so soft, it was gorgeous! I didn’t know what to expect, they aren’t foods i’d normally put together, but I was well chuffed.

Went to bed hungry tho, woke up hungry, still hungry.. and now I have a massive headache to boot – that’s more down to the fact I don’t sleep much at the minute I think.

But yeah not a bad day, if only I can stop feeling so sodding hungry!   What snacks do you guys have? I tend to opt for fruit as it’s free, or I do get Graze boxes, so I will occasionally have one of those but I often go UGH, FOUR POINTS FOR SOME SEEDS? REALLY and end up going without, but then that’s what makes me snack attack!

Oh dear..

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Kill me, Kill me NOW.

Kill me, Kill me NOW.

All I want to do is stuff my face with Chedders and left over Easter Eggs – alas, I am not.

Yesterday was day 1 back on the diet, I had a text from my leader that I think was supposed to be inspirational and helpful, instead I wanted to throw my phone at a wall.  It only said something like “let’s get back on track – think about some physical activity – let’s get you moving!” – UM NO!  That is one of my downfalls, moving.   I joined a gym last time I was super serious about weightloss and I started loving it, then things happened and life started to change a little and I just didn’t go anymore, I need to find that spirit again really.

I started again yesterday, made sure I had breakfast, had a Salad in a Jar for lunch, which usually filled a hole but, alas, this time did not.. then I went home and physically weighed out chips to have for my dinner! I had them with two fish cakes and a splattering of peas.   Yesterday felt like I was STARVING all day, today is the same, and I have a massive headache, but I am filling up on fruit and water and trying not to be a baby.

I keep trying to think of things I can have, keep telling myself I MUST plan out my weeks and meals in advance so this doesn’t happen!   Only so much fruit one can eat before you just want to burn all fruit trees and plants to the ground.

I am sat here wasting awaaaaaaaaaay, ok not so much and I just had lunch but dammit you  an cram a lot of salad in your face for free, it makes a Ham Sandwich seem paltry.  I must not stuff, I must not stuff… there’s a Greggs here, I don’t need a pie! I DON’T!

Question for anyone doing WW out there and might possibly read this:  Do you use your 49 spare points a week?  I dread to think what would happen if I did, because I tried not to for the first few weeks and barely lost a thing!

SIGH, why can’t I just go ahead and get liposuction, oh that’s right, because I want to do this the “proper” way, that and well, it’s a little unnecessary and I am also not rich.  Mmm rich.. reminds me of a Roast… GODDAMMIT NO.

Uh OH

Uh OH

Well, UH OH is right

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Yep, a gain… of 3lbs!!!  It’s my own fault, I haven’t been to meetings in two weeks as I’ve been doing other stuff on a Saturday morning, went away, then the next week I was busy… soooo. DOH!   But I think the problem is if you aren’t going to a meeting (well my problem) then my mind goes WOO PARTY EAT WHAT YOU WANT! I didn’t go mad, but I did go to the seaside for a weekend and while I didn’t eat everything in sight, I did treat myself to Fish and Chips and a lovely pub pizza, as well as tried out a couple (or more) of local Ciders and had cafe cooked breakfasts.. Oopsie.

It’s ok, I was expecting a gain, although I didn’t expect it to be 3lb, but it’s probably what I need, a good kick up the bum.  So today I started with all good intentions again, the things I KNOW help me, but I slack with… these are what I need to do to focus, I find:

  • Breakfast – I must MUST make sure I have something – even if it’s little
  • Write down EVERYTHING – Sometimes I don’t do this and I really must
  • Teetotal – OK let’s not get crazy about it, but stop the going out and having drinks, be the driver!
  • Get moving – I don’t exercise and I need to, even if my knees don’t agree
  • Drink more Water – I know for a fact i’d feel better if I did!
  • Look after myself – I am so busy running around after so many others I just let myself go without much attention, that needs to change!

That’s it really, not a stunningly huge list is it.  I can and should and WILL do those things.  I did this morning, I had a banana (ooer) for breakfast and I started making my Salad in a Jar for lunch again.   I should eat more at lunch than at tea time but the staff room here is kinda small and pokey and although we have a microwave and a toaster and various fridges, I like to take things that are quick and easy with minimal faff incase I need to escape quickly, or the microwave queue is 3000 deep.

So yeah, I gained 3lbs over the last 2 weeks but I am not surprised, now to shift it again.  I have to do this!  For my health and my self confidence.

RAWR!

Attitude

Attitude

This post isn’t so much about weight loss (cos I have been so busy the last few weeks I forgot to bother – but I think I am doing ok!) it’s about attitude.

Anyone that knows me, and knows me well knows I have fierce and strong opinions on things I am passionate about, but.. I have no confidence or courage to speak up about things.   I hate that, I hate that I see things that make me angry and I rarely speak up, I have been on a bit of a journey recently trying to find myself, make myself a better person, feel more human.. I have really been struggling lately with a lot of things in my life, both on a personal level and a work level and god on all sorts of levels about all sorts of things.

I am desperately unhappy most of the time with things in my life, which is why I am going to a workshop to help me change those things, and I know it’s one baby step at a time, trying to change the world in one foul swoop will not help me at ALL.

I think one of the things I fear most is what people think of me.  I know myself that I don’t think less of a person if they have a different opinion to mine (well unless it’s RIDICULOUS and racist or homophobic or any of those things), I don’t look down on ppl for their thoughts or ideas if I don’t agree with them, I accept the world turns because we are all different, but I am so scared of people disliking me or belitting me or thinking I am a moron… but WHY?  This is one of the questions I need to answer for myself and just quit worrying about.

The thing that makes it MORE ridiculous is that a majority of these people are people I have never and will never meet, that are anonymous people on the internet, but it terrifies me to think they won’t like me if I speak up, or think I’m stupid.  I need to work out why I care so much about these people that live inside my PC when I have oodles of friends that respect my opinion, that love me for WHO I am, no matter what I think.

Why do I do this to myself?!   I have huge anxiety problems, and honestly I could sit and cry at my PC if someone say something curt to me, I really could and that makes me feel so SO pathetic.

I’m a nice person, I am kind, I am good natured, I’d cut off my arm to make other people happy even if it hurts me (which obvs it would), I am mostly a hugely selfless person that just loves animals and kids and baking and dorky things… I just am so not cut out for being an adult, I have to adult and I have to suck it up but lately I do fear a little for my sanity.  I have been to the Dr and taken all the questionnaires and ticked all the boxes that say I can’t sleep and I worry and have anxiety and don’t eat properly and cry all the time, and apparently thats ok, nothing to worry about.

I deflect things with dry wit, sarcasm and humour.  I joke about inappropriate things and I have quite a dark sense of humour but that is how I deal,  I find it easier to just go full on sarcasm about something than anything else because it’s just the way I am.  I rarely say boo to a goose online, but my RL sees me dealing with people all day every day and I am bubbly and outgoing and friendly and ok I still have my sarcasm and wit and dark sense of humour but I was only thinking yesterday nobody would have a clue how utterly miserable I feel at times because I mask it, and I mask it hard because I don’t want to be seen as weak or miserable or helpless or pathetic.

I wish my attitude about things was to not care as much, I need to be more like that.   I feel I need to be a totally different person, or to grow as one, but then I kinda like who I am too.

LIFE IS HARD, PEOPLE!

April Fools

April Fools

The only fool here is me.  This is not a woe is me post, but for a while I have been going through stuff in RL, stuff that is actually partly my own doing, but I can’t seem to dig myself back out of this hole I have created… and I run on a cycle with my diets.. I do well for week, I keep it up, then something happens which knocks me or upsets me and I give up again and I just ram everything quick and easy I can find into my face, and it ain’t salad!

I didn’t lose this week, but I didn’t gain either… so I can accept that, but I came out of the meeting on Saturday morning so determined to make this week a winner, to do my very best and let nothing get in my way, yeah that hasn’t gone to plan.  I have had a stupidly tired and sad week so far and I have just fallen apart diet wise.  I either haven’t eaten enough one day, then just ate 500000 points the next.  There is still time to claw it back, so today I am trying to make better choices.

But what is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this for myself?? I hate the way I look, I hate my weight, I hate that I don’t feel fit and I can’t fit into nice clothes and feel comfy, what do I need to do to push myself more?!  A couple of years ago I did this, and I lost weight and I joined a gym and I loved it.. then my life changed a bit and it all fell apart,  I ate, and I stopped moving, and I got depressed and upset all the time and comfort ate and drank a lot to numb the pain on nights when I could… and it’s left me here.   Feeling useless and sad and fat and stupid.

I need to get back on the wagon and drive myself to success.   Cheesey but true.   Maybe this April Fools Day it’s time to stop playing the fool and help myself, cos the only person that can do that is me, apparently.   Although I suck at it.