This post isn’t so much about weight loss (cos I have been so busy the last few weeks I forgot to bother – but I think I am doing ok!) it’s about attitude.
Anyone that knows me, and knows me well knows I have fierce and strong opinions on things I am passionate about, but.. I have no confidence or courage to speak up about things. I hate that, I hate that I see things that make me angry and I rarely speak up, I have been on a bit of a journey recently trying to find myself, make myself a better person, feel more human.. I have really been struggling lately with a lot of things in my life, both on a personal level and a work level and god on all sorts of levels about all sorts of things.
I am desperately unhappy most of the time with things in my life, which is why I am going to a workshop to help me change those things, and I know it’s one baby step at a time, trying to change the world in one foul swoop will not help me at ALL.
I think one of the things I fear most is what people think of me. I know myself that I don’t think less of a person if they have a different opinion to mine (well unless it’s RIDICULOUS and racist or homophobic or any of those things), I don’t look down on ppl for their thoughts or ideas if I don’t agree with them, I accept the world turns because we are all different, but I am so scared of people disliking me or belitting me or thinking I am a moron… but WHY? This is one of the questions I need to answer for myself and just quit worrying about.
The thing that makes it MORE ridiculous is that a majority of these people are people I have never and will never meet, that are anonymous people on the internet, but it terrifies me to think they won’t like me if I speak up, or think I’m stupid. I need to work out why I care so much about these people that live inside my PC when I have oodles of friends that respect my opinion, that love me for WHO I am, no matter what I think.
Why do I do this to myself?! I have huge anxiety problems, and honestly I could sit and cry at my PC if someone say something curt to me, I really could and that makes me feel so SO pathetic.
I’m a nice person, I am kind, I am good natured, I’d cut off my arm to make other people happy even if it hurts me (which obvs it would), I am mostly a hugely selfless person that just loves animals and kids and baking and dorky things… I just am so not cut out for being an adult, I have to adult and I have to suck it up but lately I do fear a little for my sanity. I have been to the Dr and taken all the questionnaires and ticked all the boxes that say I can’t sleep and I worry and have anxiety and don’t eat properly and cry all the time, and apparently thats ok, nothing to worry about.
I deflect things with dry wit, sarcasm and humour. I joke about inappropriate things and I have quite a dark sense of humour but that is how I deal, I find it easier to just go full on sarcasm about something than anything else because it’s just the way I am. I rarely say boo to a goose online, but my RL sees me dealing with people all day every day and I am bubbly and outgoing and friendly and ok I still have my sarcasm and wit and dark sense of humour but I was only thinking yesterday nobody would have a clue how utterly miserable I feel at times because I mask it, and I mask it hard because I don’t want to be seen as weak or miserable or helpless or pathetic.
I wish my attitude about things was to not care as much, I need to be more like that. I feel I need to be a totally different person, or to grow as one, but then I kinda like who I am too.
LIFE IS HARD, PEOPLE!