Attitude

Attitude

This post isn’t so much about weight loss (cos I have been so busy the last few weeks I forgot to bother – but I think I am doing ok!) it’s about attitude.

Anyone that knows me, and knows me well knows I have fierce and strong opinions on things I am passionate about, but.. I have no confidence or courage to speak up about things.   I hate that, I hate that I see things that make me angry and I rarely speak up, I have been on a bit of a journey recently trying to find myself, make myself a better person, feel more human.. I have really been struggling lately with a lot of things in my life, both on a personal level and a work level and god on all sorts of levels about all sorts of things.

I am desperately unhappy most of the time with things in my life, which is why I am going to a workshop to help me change those things, and I know it’s one baby step at a time, trying to change the world in one foul swoop will not help me at ALL.

I think one of the things I fear most is what people think of me.  I know myself that I don’t think less of a person if they have a different opinion to mine (well unless it’s RIDICULOUS and racist or homophobic or any of those things), I don’t look down on ppl for their thoughts or ideas if I don’t agree with them, I accept the world turns because we are all different, but I am so scared of people disliking me or belitting me or thinking I am a moron… but WHY?  This is one of the questions I need to answer for myself and just quit worrying about.

The thing that makes it MORE ridiculous is that a majority of these people are people I have never and will never meet, that are anonymous people on the internet, but it terrifies me to think they won’t like me if I speak up, or think I’m stupid.  I need to work out why I care so much about these people that live inside my PC when I have oodles of friends that respect my opinion, that love me for WHO I am, no matter what I think.

Why do I do this to myself?!   I have huge anxiety problems, and honestly I could sit and cry at my PC if someone say something curt to me, I really could and that makes me feel so SO pathetic.

I’m a nice person, I am kind, I am good natured, I’d cut off my arm to make other people happy even if it hurts me (which obvs it would), I am mostly a hugely selfless person that just loves animals and kids and baking and dorky things… I just am so not cut out for being an adult, I have to adult and I have to suck it up but lately I do fear a little for my sanity.  I have been to the Dr and taken all the questionnaires and ticked all the boxes that say I can’t sleep and I worry and have anxiety and don’t eat properly and cry all the time, and apparently thats ok, nothing to worry about.

I deflect things with dry wit, sarcasm and humour.  I joke about inappropriate things and I have quite a dark sense of humour but that is how I deal,  I find it easier to just go full on sarcasm about something than anything else because it’s just the way I am.  I rarely say boo to a goose online, but my RL sees me dealing with people all day every day and I am bubbly and outgoing and friendly and ok I still have my sarcasm and wit and dark sense of humour but I was only thinking yesterday nobody would have a clue how utterly miserable I feel at times because I mask it, and I mask it hard because I don’t want to be seen as weak or miserable or helpless or pathetic.

I wish my attitude about things was to not care as much, I need to be more like that.   I feel I need to be a totally different person, or to grow as one, but then I kinda like who I am too.

LIFE IS HARD, PEOPLE!

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3 thoughts on “Attitude

  1. The trouble with worrying about what others think of us, is that we have zero control over it.
    When someone interacts with you, their response to you will always be automatically run through filters of their own life and learning, and we have no say in what those are.

    Someone who reads your words and forms a negative opinion about your unhappy state for example, might also be a person who has been taught that introspection holds no value and there is no choice in life but to “suck it up” and “get happy”. Their way of thinking may have been modelled first by their parents, and later reinforced by a significant other, during difficult times. Who knows? You can’t know. You can’t hope to undo their conditioning, or re-wire the sum total of their life experience. They’re going to react to your post, and for better or worse, you can’t control what that looks like.

    So if there’s nothing we can really do about other people’s opinions – based as they are on their experience, their interpretation of the world and the things they’ve chosen to believe – why worry about them? They’re out of our control.

    With the advent of the internet, we’ve been given the ability to contact people across the globe. From our own back yard, to far-flung corners of the world. One of the reasons (I believe) that there can be so much angst online, is because people in their own small corners of the planet don’t cope, when someone half a world away with a different culture, different religion, different environment, and a completely different experience of growing up, etc.. has a difference of opinion.

    It’s startling to me, because in MY opinion, it makes perfect sense that you’re never going to see eye-to-eye with every connected person from 1 – 100,000,000. Someone’s going to see things another way, and someone’s going to actively dislike your opinion. If, when confronted with that difference, they don’t cope, and shut down, or turn insulting and defensive, that’s something else you can’t change. It’s about them. Not about you.

    So what do we do, then?

    Try to be kind. Try to be open, and listen. If confronted with someone who disagrees with us, we can try to learn and understand how things look through their filters. If we don’t like what we see, we can agree to disagree and move on in peace. If someone behaves badly and is rude or mean, we can disengage. As you do – consider again that they’re filtering their responses through everything they know about human relationships, and some of the things they know, might be things we would feel compassion for, if only we knew.

    As for getting to the point where you feel confident that you even have something to say that anyone would value, that, I believe, comes down to simply believing you are good enough. If you don’t believe you’re good enough to be heard, or good enough for people to care about your thoughts, you’ll always struggle to share them.

    The truth is you ARE good enough. You always have been. Others are not more important than you are.

    I don’t know what experiences in your life have led you to believe that you are lacking. But the good news is that each person who has influenced that personal view you have of yourself, were not gifted with some divine insight. (At the risk of getting repetitive…) Anything they’ve ever said, or done, has been an action or reaction based on their own learning and past life experiences. They were (and are) people struggling to relate and succeed in the world, just like you.

    Acknowledging that, we can also acknowledge that we don’t need to keep holding on to the messages we’ve received from them in the past. Why would we? They’re not anything more than something said or done by someone in a moment, and that moment is gone. You’re good enough. You were born good enough. Choose to believe you’re good enough. Remind yourself you’re good enough! Say it out loud. Often. Write it out, and stick it on the fridge! And if someone makes you feel ‘less than’… remind yourself that they and their opinions are NOT more important than you. Because they aren’t. No matter who they are.

    Final thought, I promise – If we can choose to spend SO much time and energy, reinforcing the negative things we’ve come to believe about ourselves, courtesy of others, why can’t we also choose again? This time, to use that same energy to reinforce instead, the belief that we’re completely whole, (just as we are, right now) and completely worthy. To remind ourselves – not that we should be more this, or more that – but that maybe while we’re not perfect, we’re enough.

    I wish you well on your journey. I hope you find peace. ❤

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  2. The big trouble with t’internets in general is that it’s so ‘fire and forget’ – and the thing that people forget when they fire off that comment is that there’s a real human being on the receiving end that has feelings… some more than others. To some, it’s water off a ducks back. To others, like you, it’s really not. And then you start dwelling on ‘why do they feel that way? is it me?’ kinda stuff. But it’s not you. It’s them. The attitude that needs adjustment isn’t yours… it’s the attitude of the people who thoughtlessly say the kinds of shit they’d never say to people face to face to someone they really know nothing about. Unfortunately, people on the internets are generally assholes ‘because they can’!

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  3. oh, also, re: ‘I kinda like who I am too’. I kinda like who you are, too, Heather! In fact the point that I was trying to make above was ‘don’t ever change, cuz you’re ossum as you are <3', but I forgot to say it during my waffle :p

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