WOOT WOOT!

WOOT WOOT!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Considering I was panicing (again) about the fact I went to the pub on Sunday and ate my weight in waffle and brownie calzone I am OVER THE MOON!!!   It is SUCH a good feeling to know you can have a good time and still pull it right on back.  I have also started running again, I took a week off – I was tired and ratty and I have discovered in life, if nothing else, it pays to step back if you are not enjoying something and start it again when you feel better – back on the treadmill Monday and LOVED IT.  That much that I signed up and the eldest up for the Colour Run next June! MADNESS!!  But by that time I hope to be able to run 5k without dying,  it is a surprise on the C25k (yeah I dropped the 10k one I was pushing there tbh) when you go from walking/jogging in repetitions of 90 seconds and on week three BOOM 90 jogging, 90 walking, THREE MINUTES jogging, three minutes walking – twice.  THREE MINUTES!

Probably loads of fit ppl reading this going HA! THREE MINUTES! but for a flabby girl with bad knees and a hate for moving faster than 4km an hour unless there is a cake dangling from a string, its TOUGH. But I did it, I  reached out twice to knock it down from 6kmph but I didn’t, I did the full 3 minutes twice without giving in.

So to me, that is a gold star and a HALF!  So last night was a really nice surprise to top off a really stressful day, really nice!

I have been trying to sleep better too, I have got into a pattern of bed between 12-1am and up again between 6-7am and it was killing me, I’ve been in bed by 11pm the last few nights,  and not waking til 7am and slowly I am feeling more human, so sleep definitely is not for the weak, it’s for the sensible.  Although I do fear I am becoming a nan – I have a new found love of beetroot,  cardigans and the urge to learn crochet.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

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Oh Monday!

Oh Monday!

It’s Monday – I hate Monday.  I know it’s not uncommon to give the poor day more flack than it should get but its always that feeling of just getting to sleep – especially in the colder weather – and getting snuggled up and warm and BLAMMO – MONDAY!  RIGHT IN THE FACE.

This Monday was harder because I told myself that I am always so shattered on a Monday night after a long day at work, picking up my youngest  from my parents house, then getting home between 6-6.30 (yes I know, not all that long shhhh) and THEN having to make dinner -that I should get up earlier on a Monday and whack something in the slow cooker!  I did this last week, I made a Curry – I think I put too much water in it, oopsy.   So anyway there I was this morning chopping carrots and chicken and herbing up some potatoes and onions and carefully making sure I wasn’t adding too much water, yawning like a trooper.  It better not a) burn the house down (always a worry) or b) taste like crap or I will cry!!!

I am not feeling it today, none of it.  I haven’t had breakfast yet because I cannot eat early in the morning, it just makes me feel ill, so I tend to eat at work around 10am on my break – but today I spent my breaktime at a colleagues desk talking about dogs.  OH DEAR – now my tummy is rumbling, so I am holding on til lunch when I will just shovel everything in my packed lunch bag down my throat (well not the Mug Shot – that’ll be hot).

The cold weather has sent me a bit loopy with food and it’s so anger enducing that I cannot get it together.  I spent the week being good then spent Sunday in a pub for a training shift (discounted food woot!) shovelling all I could into my face, including a Dessert Calzone that must have been about 2000 calories (it was stuffed with waffles, brownies and chocolate sauce ffs) – I didn’t eat all of it, that would have been madness!

But here I am this morning after a reasonably early (for me) night at 11.15pm yawning my goddamn head off crying onto my work paperwork because I can’t get a grip on anything in life right now!  My anxiety has gone through the roof with some stuff going on in RL, I can’t get a grip on food and I am just so effin’ tired!  I am also really fed up of ppl saying “well just don’t worry about it” I don’t have the anxiety that comes out of a cracker, I do have medication to stop me being such a tit – it’s an actual thing, not just me worrying for the sake of it – if I could just stop it,  I would!   Like ok if you don’t want to listen to my anxiety rambling then that’s fair enough,tell me to can it – but do NOT tell me to just carry on or shrug at me and say “well idk why you are worrying” – COS I CAN’T HELP IT!  So frustrating!!   So then I worry about that, that I am being a bother, or maybe I could just stop worrying – wouldn’t life be sweet if we just stopped worrying about stuff we couldn’t control – I remember when I was able to do that without the crippling anxiety feelings weighing me down.

This isn’t a pity me thing, I know I am a tit, I know only I can change it, but sometimes the complete lack of empathy or even time people with give people with anxiety is really saddening – it’s not something anyone likes or wants, it’s not something they can just switch off  – if you can then that’s great,  I think I speak for most ppl with anxiety issues that we envy the ever loving fuck out of you – but we aren’t all wired that way.

AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

😦

WELL!

WELL!

Well!  A little gain, but I am ok with it!

Yep, but some absolute miracle I only gained 0.5lbs!  Not too shabby, and I didn’t do my entire C210K last week either because I wasn’t feeling so hot, so I guess maybe if I had have done that as normal I may have had a maintain.  Weird to think of being chuffed about a gain, but I am not chuffed I gained, I am happy to have not gained MORE!

Back on it like a car bonnet this am, although I do need to mix it up a bit, I am getting bored with the same old food all the time, so I have to look up some recipes, get some new ideas, sort out my life so I have time to fit in all the things I want to do, it’ll be ok!

YAY!

Countdown

Countdown

Here we are, it’s weigh day and I know, I don’t think, I KNOW I have gained this week and I am dreading it.

Sounds stupid doesn’t it? You drink a bottle of port then eat like 4 BP garage sandwiches with the meal deal crisps, a mcd’s large meal and then some fried chicken at night you know you’re gonna gain weight, but at the TIME you feel like death so you just don’t care.  Salad isn’t your friend with a hangover, everyone knows that.

But I also haven’t done the start of my C210K running this week yet either, and I feel guilty!  It’s only myself that I am letting down here so I need to build a bridge and job on over it, but I usually do Mon/Weds/Fri – but yesterday I felt like so much ass, today I feel like a bit more ass.  I think I’m getting a cold, there is a nasty virus floating about work so it’s no surprise but this also leads us to NOPESVILLE – when I am ill I do one of two things – eat nothing OR eat everything.  After my weekend of rampaging on food and booze I think I’m in an eat everything mood. NONONO! I CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN!

I was moaning about it to anyone that would listen and everyone has said the same thing – since being on SW I have lost or maintained EVERY week – if (when) I gain this week then there are a few things to remember:

1.  I will know WHY I gained, because I was a lardo.

2. It will come off again.

3. You’re allowed to fall off the wagon at times, you’re only human.

4. It is NOT the end of the world, it’s a blip – a bad week, don’t let it get you down.

I am not one to blow my own trumpet but I have done well, maybe not as well as I could have done, but I’ve lived whilst eating better, had my slice of pizza and lost, so I know it can be done.  This weekend I wasn’t balanced, that’s my own fault, but it’s ok! ITS OK!

But for the first week ever I am not looking forward to weigh in, but then I am not feeling well either. I considered not going but like I said a few posts back, that helps nothing, the best thing to do when lying in a pool of drool and disappointment after falling off the wagon – is to get right back on it.

It’ll be a gut punch to have to put a + next to my pic this week tho!  I did have a lovely time in London, but next time I think my need to please the scales may outweigh the desire to nod off in a drunken stupor after planting mini burgers on my friend as she’s sleeping.

FOR SURE.

OOOOPSY DAISY!

OOOOPSY DAISY!

Well, the wagon hit a rock on Saturday night!  It’s ok, it was planned.  I was meeting up with some girlfriends in London, and although I didn’t plan to get totally rat-faced, that kinda did happen – even though I didn’t really drink that much! The Vodkas werent even doubles, I did, however, do my usual “Pint of Port” thing (It’s a thing – totally a thing) and ended up drinking most of the whole bottle, needless to say I felt a bit tender most of Sunday, and peckish.

I haven’t really had a “proper” drink in the last 8mths give or take a few nights out, so going full throttle like that probably wasn’t so smart.  I really loved the Cheese and Onion Crisps the next day tho, oh and the McD’s, and the fries and by th end of Sunday I was pretty much just slathering myself in food and writhing around going OH MY GOD I MISS EATING 20 PACKETS OF CRISPS IN ONE GOOOO.

I did fear that may be the start of a slippery slope for me, but this morning I am back to fruit for breakfast, and houmous (hummus, humus, chickpeabatter, whatever) and carrot sticks for lunch.  I need to write this down to remind myself that ONE bad day (or weekend) isn’t the end of the world – if I gain weight this week I will know why and I can rectify that.  Although part of me is so disappointed because since restarting Slimming World I have either maintained or lost, and I have lost more this time round than on any other diet!   So I must keep up with it.

I have ordered myself a new slow cooker, I already have one, but I saw one on someones instagram that had blue LED lights and is full on glass so you can see everything and I decided I must have it.  So I hunted it down and purchased it, I hope it arrives soon, I want to start using it now winter is here. STEWS ALL ROUND!

Anyway, its Monday – weigh in day tomorrow and I am feeling a little tired and worn out, I really need to sort my life out! I say this all the time and never actually do sort anything out, but I am sure more sleep would help, and more water, I can do this. I HAVE THIS. I got this.

I do.

HEY YOU GUISSEEEE!

HEY YOU GUISSEEEE!

I AM SO HAPPY!   I really didn’t think I would have lost this week, I was expecting another maintain week, as I had my daughters party at which I hoovered up Pizza, Sausages and Cake like nobody’s business!  But I think what I have learnt all these weeks now, is that you can have a bit of what you want, if you just don’t go full force mental all week with it.  One day straying a bit off plan isn’t the end of the world, you CAN still lose weight, as long as you remain calm and sensible the rest of the time, and that pleases me greatly.

I have been reading a lot lately about people who have had gastric bands, or bypasses, or are doing the 5:2, or the Cambridge Diet, or even pills.. and I have seen quite a bit of resentment towards people who manage to do it without any of those things, and enjoy it, and it’s really weird.     I haven’t gone on any crazy purges (which I did used to have an issue with), I haven’t had anything fitted, or removed, I haven’t cut everything out of my diet in a bid to lose weight, but that’s whats worked for me.  I am happy with the way I am doing it, and I wouldn’t want to do it any other way.

It all comes back to what I have said before, it doesn’t feel like a diet, it’s a lifestyle change.  I admit I used to hate the idea of eating salad or carrot sticks and houmous for lunch or adding beetroot to things cos EW to all those things.  But now? Now I bloody love those things! Not because I HAVE to, but because I actually enjoy it!  Is it because I am seeing a loss in my weight and a raise in how healthy I feel?? Who knows, but I am seeing it as a blessing.

I am also seeing a lot of fat shaming things, and I am fat, I haven’t always been, but I love food that is bad for me and I hate exercise, so I only have myself to blame. I am trying to be less fat for my confidence, my health and for ME, not for anybody else.  I would never fat shame anyone, I might try and help people who have EXPRESSED they want help with losing weight, by just talking about how I have done it and I am by NO means an expert at all, but I can just say well I do this! and that! and it works –  but the shoe also fits the other foot.  People do “weight loss shame” too,  everyone I have encountered personally have been SO supportive of me, congratulating me, egging me on, telling me to keep with it – but I do read a lot of stuff where people seem negative and jealous that people are doing well, or making a change in their lives.  I guess maybe sometimes people that are losing/have lost weight may come across as condescending, and I do hope I never com across like that – but I think a majority of us are just like OMG YAY ITS WORKING WOOO!  But don’t think that it doesn’t happen the other way around, it does.

There is no shame in being proud of your size, or wanting to be smaller, it’s what works for YOU, yourself – not everyone else.

That being said I do get frustrated when people do not help themselves, do not be surprised if you come to me for advice or help and you are going to ignore every single word I say to you, that I either stop helping you, or want to punch you in teh face.   I get not everything works for everyone, but if you truly want to do it, then commit.  That was always my issue, I couldn’t keep it up, but so far I have lost more than I have on ANY other diet, without feeling on a diet, so I am truly committed.  I am even doing my C210K and I really didnt’ want to the other night, but knew if I didn’t do it one night, I would make excuses for the others and it would snowball and eventually, I’d end up back in the same loop of weight loss then weight gain, and being sad and depressed about my weight again.

Just do your thing, and respect others doing theirs, whatever it is.

Stressed.

Stressed.

I am stressed, one of two things happens when I feel this way – I either eat for England, or I barely eat at all, neither of which are good for me!  – I have stuff going on in my RL (don’t we all!) and I have stuff going on at work (again – don’t we all!).  Not many people that read this blog really truly know me, but I feel I am super shy, painfully shy.. until I get to know you and I am comfortable – that being said, I have to deal with people I do not know each and every day and everyone says how confident I come across, bold, chatty, helpful… I just don’t feel it.  I feel I am a people person, but then I am not.  I feel like I am a bit of a paradox.  ANYHOO, I have been asked (and I really didn’t feel I could say no) to join a Working Group at work about some Survey Results (I work in Academia) and I am bricking it!   I read through what we have to do – me and the other volunteer – a really nice chap, but I don’t know him very well, seems confident and chatty tho – and I am SCURRED!   We have to meet with our individual groups within our department which isn’t so bad, I know these people, even if only a smidge, but then.. THEN.. we have to go to a meeting with ALL the other departments and share our findings. OH MY GOD NO. THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

I hate hate hate hate HATE standing up in groups and talking if I don’t know people, I tend to use sarcasm and humour to deflect looking like a raging idiot, but that isn’t going to cut it with these lot.  I am not confident and although I am happy I got asked to do this, as they obviously are keen for me to be involved, I kinda want to say “nooothx, can’t do this bai” and run and hide. Man, why didn’t I say no!?

Anyway this is causing me to feel like I can’t eat, because my stomach is doing it’s washing machine impression in the BAD WAY.  I couldn’t even manage my normal routine of a cup of tea and a banana this morning, not for work reasons tho, I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep, and I only went to bed at midnight, so I got about 3.5hrs sleep and I am SO FRIGGIN TIRED!

Oh my days, this is a Monday and a HALF.

And it’s weigh in day tomorrow – keep it together, Heather – keep it together.