Well, I am still here – still struggling in SO many ways.

I’ve managed to put on 7lbs in the last 4 weeks – oh well – I can lose that again I know that, I am not going to lose that much sleep over it, although I am a bit disappointed in myself.  Not the end of the world tho, back to overnight oats, salad in jars and a chicken/bacon pasta until it comes out of my eyeballs.

Things are tootling along in the background, not much of it I can go into right now, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can prattle on about that!

Other than that I’m still very emotional, I think it’s only since the whole debarcle with the two lovely girl pugs and it all being so stressful that it has really hit me to grieve for Mr Tom.   I just got on with it, I didn’t spend endless weeks moping about, I missed him but I kept it to a minimum outwardly.  But since the failed adoption trial with them I have been a wreck, hardly sleeping, over eating (or not at all, then eating enough for four), feeling sick and generally shitty, crying all the time randomly and just breaking down at really inopportune times.  YAY!  I have shut myself away from reality really,  this is the first time in weeks I’ve been on my laptop, although obvs I’ve been on my phone – you know, can’t live without technology!   I’ve found solace in dumb phone games, watching more movies, reading more books, and geeking out with my kids with card and dice games, and it’s been really nice.

Those who know me know I am not overly social in RL, I love to go out and BE social, but only with those I am comfy with, and my best friends mainly live inside my PC scattered around the country/globe.   I have missed them, but I haven’t felt that it’s ok to go onto social media and be chirpy or integrate with people, because I have felt ashamed and like I should sit in a corner and just think about what I’ve done until I die, pretty much.

I have kinda lost the plot big time with my feelings although to be honest it was about time for a proper meltdown.    So I had a do adoption trial that didn’t work out because the dogs (well one of them) was not a cat fan, and the cats (again one of the little buggers) was also not a fan of this said dog – it happens, I didn’t abandon them in a shelter or in a field, they went back to a home where they were safe, loved and happy (I could tell that when I dropped them off and they ran around playing carefree without wading into a cat fight) – I feel like I failed but in reality it was animal personalities clashing – I guess I spent so long trawling the internet and reading the opinions of ppl saying it needs more time, try feliway, do this, do that (for the record I have feliway out the wazoo), oh god ppl that give up on pets are awful and deserve hell – that I bought into it and feel like I am not worthy of anything.  These people weren’t living in the situation I was and if I could have kept the dogs/cats separate at ALL times and I was a stay at home person then maybe I could have lasted longer, but these spats happened in front of me and my kids constantly, it wasn’t fun to watch, and you can’t surely live in a house where pets are always kept away from each other or ones are locked away – what is the point in that?  But I read all the shitty comments on other ppls posts and felt they were aimed at me – batshit much?  Bear in mind these were ppl that were giving their dogs up for a variety of reasons – after YEARS – not people that had failed adoption trials.   There were the odd nice commenters who understood it wasn’t an easy choice for the person to make and pointed out the welfare of the dogs should be first, not the stigma of rehoming an animal being an awful thing to do – not always is that the case – but none the less the internet left me feeling like a shitty person in a world full of people that were willing to “try harder”.  I am not naive enough to believe if I am in full capacity of my wits that that is even remotely true – everyones story is different,  we can judge and point and say we can do better – but we aren’t living in those shoes.

My friend asked me if I thought putting things out on FB or in the open was the wisest thing, but I guess its what I do – not my entire business but I do just tend to waffle, just to get it out – and yeah I could do that privately,  I guess I seek the comfort of friends when I am feeling down, although I am aware that I can do that privately, so I’ve been thinking about social media too, and how many ppl I have that probably couldn’t give two shits about whats going on in my life and probably don’t even give my shit the time of day – yet there I am putting it all out there, seems a bit silly!  (a bit like this post I think, but its my personal blog and only the ppl I share the link with or will find it by some weird miracle will read it, so thats ok :P) – I don’t know if it’s just because I’m actually in a really low place or I am just trying to find myself, but I find myself less and less drawn to being online – that happens now and then tho, so no drastic deleting of accounts or leaving games/online words – just stepping back and letting life take its course however it happens.

Yet here I still am, stressing about anything and everything, anxiety through the roof about the smallest of things, things that probably don’t even matter – no1currrs.  Doesn’t stop me wanting to vomit 24/7 or want to just drive somewhere and set up a whole new life to mess up.  DRAMATIC OR WHAT?   Yeah, I don’t do things by halves.

Just when I think it’s ok I go down a bit again, but I know I don’t have it that bad, I should be thankful for what I do have, and I am.  I am thankful for my friends who have listened to me and not killed me, my family for being there for me, anyone and everyone that has hugged me or sent me a nice message or words of support when I have felt that I have deserved none of it, and should probably just be shot in the face on sight.

I have a lot to be happy for, and thankful for and I know I will get there, it’s a bit like 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that’s still getting a little further each time.

I wish I wasn’t feeling like a complete hopeless nutcase who doesn’t deserve anything, because it doesn’t feel like its much like me at all, and I miss feeling more like me.


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