The Rollercoaster

The Rollercoaster

Life always has it’s ups and downs, generally I have a great life, I want for nothing (well – not out of the ordinary) – I have wonderful friends (mostly :P) and I have my health (generally).   Since having this clash with depression and anxiety I haven’t felt myself at all, it’s made me take a good long hard look at myself, things around me and just generally try to bop this on the head once and for all.

I’ve always been an anxious person, but I’ve hidden it well 95% of the time, and if I have ever talked about it with people a majority have done the usual thing of “oh you’ll be fine!” “stop worrying ffs!” “you’ve got a good life, just be happy!” – all very helpful!  I am finding a lot of people do not understand unless they have been through it, or have a good amount of empathy, I am lucky because a majority of my friends have been beyond amazing – they have dealt with my insane notions they dislike me, they haven’t run away when I have ranted, they’ve been nothing short of phenomenal.  There have been a few that haven’t reacted like I had hoped, one hasn’t even bothered to respond to me at all which I am so disappointed and sad about, as I have always been there for them from large to small things, they haven’t spoken to me in months, a couple have admitted they don’t understand, but have offered hugs, but you can tell they haven’t got a clue and why would they?

I did find a good friend has been through this, on quite a major level, twice.  Talking to her was amazing, it felt like she totally understood – we laughed and we joked around, but also I felt like it was someone I could go to that I wouldn’t feel a terrible burden to, and obviously she has another confidant too now.

It’s been a weird few months for me, I’ve been so low I have scared myself, but also started to feel happier feels weird, part of me battles to say I shouldn’t – because I believe I am an awful person – and part of me listens to those around me that say I should be happy, I have nothing to feel ashamed or sorry for.

A lot of people have said they think I am strong, patient, calm – I can tell you internally I am none of those things, but obviously I can handle my exterior feelings well – I don’t know why I am rambling here, but I am!  I guess it’s because where I can ramble haha.

I often let things get to me, I try to do a million things at once, at a million miles an hour, I take on everyone elses problems and I try to do anything I can for anyone – which I enjoy doing – but I think in the midst of that I have lost part of myself, which is what I need to find again.

I am part of an online community, and have been for over a decade, I have dedicated so much money, time and effort into it, and it’s always been there when I have needed to escape – I haven’t had much time for it recently and while a majority of what I do there is ruled by time constraints and watched carefully to see how much I have done, a lot of ppl have been so lovely and supportive, others – not so much – but that’s ok. I have always worried about not doing my best there, but at the end of the day it is just an online community – one I love and adore, but RL must and should always come first – I am starting to accept that.

I am still hiding away pretty much – keeping social media at arms length but making sure I keep in contact with friends – I think I need to remember that my true friends are always there, no matter how quiet I am, they keep an eye on me, and I keep an eye on them, and we will always pick up where we left off, everyone else? Probably not worth worrying about.

I feel a little bit mental, but then apparently, I am a little bit mental – but who isn’t?