Hey,

It’s been a while. A lot has happened since the last post. Coronavirus, George Floyd (and I’m sure many, many others) and general shite.

My dad passed away. It’s been around 2 months now and I still haven’t grieved properly. People tell me I may not grieve for years, or I may grieve for all those years, or forever. It’s been especially hard to cope with during lockdown. I’ve been on my own with no support and honestly – it’s mentally, emotionally and physically taken it’s toll.

I’m tired more so than usual, I’m less tolerant of anything, I’m sad and then I cheer up and then I’m sad again. I’m painfully lonely – I’m a whole bunch of messed up nonsense because all this has been happening and life hasn’t stopped. It isn’t like time stands still and you get to catch your breath when someone dies, life continues full pelt and just drags you along.

I am struggling a great deal with life. I don’t have Simon at home, I have to deal with work and the kids. I have to do all the stuff in the house, I have to feed the pets and walk them. I have to remember to eat and shower and all those things that normally would be second nature. I have to keep my own mental health issues at bay while I deal with my mums grief, my kids grief, my dads finances etc. It’s hard, it’s not just hard it’s a fucking miracle I haven’t just sat in a heap and given up tbh because that’s how I feel quite often.

I need to start writing again to get it all out. At the moment it’s just trying to get from one day to the next and try not to feel all the dark things that are creeping in – it’s day to day trying to survive and get on. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how well I am doing but honestly I’m very broken right now in so many ways.

I have a good gaggle of friends that have been keeping me busy and I have many that have checked to see how I am and just made sure I’m ok which is really appreciated considering that everyone else has so much going on.

Anyway, I think I’ll definitely do this more often – it’s quite cathartic to just get it all out even if no one ever sees it.