The Rollercoaster

The Rollercoaster

Life always has it’s ups and downs, generally I have a great life, I want for nothing (well – not out of the ordinary) – I have wonderful friends (mostly :P) and I have my health (generally).   Since having this clash with depression and anxiety I haven’t felt myself at all, it’s made me take a good long hard look at myself, things around me and just generally try to bop this on the head once and for all.

I’ve always been an anxious person, but I’ve hidden it well 95% of the time, and if I have ever talked about it with people a majority have done the usual thing of “oh you’ll be fine!” “stop worrying ffs!” “you’ve got a good life, just be happy!” – all very helpful!  I am finding a lot of people do not understand unless they have been through it, or have a good amount of empathy, I am lucky because a majority of my friends have been beyond amazing – they have dealt with my insane notions they dislike me, they haven’t run away when I have ranted, they’ve been nothing short of phenomenal.  There have been a few that haven’t reacted like I had hoped, one hasn’t even bothered to respond to me at all which I am so disappointed and sad about, as I have always been there for them from large to small things, they haven’t spoken to me in months, a couple have admitted they don’t understand, but have offered hugs, but you can tell they haven’t got a clue and why would they?

I did find a good friend has been through this, on quite a major level, twice.  Talking to her was amazing, it felt like she totally understood – we laughed and we joked around, but also I felt like it was someone I could go to that I wouldn’t feel a terrible burden to, and obviously she has another confidant too now.

It’s been a weird few months for me, I’ve been so low I have scared myself, but also started to feel happier feels weird, part of me battles to say I shouldn’t – because I believe I am an awful person – and part of me listens to those around me that say I should be happy, I have nothing to feel ashamed or sorry for.

A lot of people have said they think I am strong, patient, calm – I can tell you internally I am none of those things, but obviously I can handle my exterior feelings well – I don’t know why I am rambling here, but I am!  I guess it’s because where I can ramble haha.

I often let things get to me, I try to do a million things at once, at a million miles an hour, I take on everyone elses problems and I try to do anything I can for anyone – which I enjoy doing – but I think in the midst of that I have lost part of myself, which is what I need to find again.

I am part of an online community, and have been for over a decade, I have dedicated so much money, time and effort into it, and it’s always been there when I have needed to escape – I haven’t had much time for it recently and while a majority of what I do there is ruled by time constraints and watched carefully to see how much I have done, a lot of ppl have been so lovely and supportive, others – not so much – but that’s ok. I have always worried about not doing my best there, but at the end of the day it is just an online community – one I love and adore, but RL must and should always come first – I am starting to accept that.

I am still hiding away pretty much – keeping social media at arms length but making sure I keep in contact with friends – I think I need to remember that my true friends are always there, no matter how quiet I am, they keep an eye on me, and I keep an eye on them, and we will always pick up where we left off, everyone else? Probably not worth worrying about.

I feel a little bit mental, but then apparently, I am a little bit mental – but who isn’t?

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I did it last week..

I did it last week..

I lost 2.5lbs – so chuffed with myself – then I had a drink at the weekend and spent all day yesterday recovering and eating all the things – I think I did a record of three fast food meals in one day – ugh.    Drinking didn’t make me feel better – only worse. GOOD JOB SELF!  It was for birthday celebrations tho, so I guess that’s ok.

A lot of people always ask me how I am feeling now, I think it’s what you do when people are down, and the truth is always “struggling”.  I am trying to move on and get past all the stuff, I feel ridiculous at times for feeling the way I do over something so trivial to others.  But I guess there is always someone with a bigger issue, it’s all relative isn’t it.. to yourself I mean.

I am probably boring the socks off anyone that reads this, but I need to write it down and get it out,  and this is my blog so I figure its a good a place as any.  Although I recently joined an online mental health forum and they are such a lovely bunch, and I don’t feel as much of a burden on my friends either. win win.

I feel a bit weird using the term “mental health” when describing what I am going through,  I have struggled for years with feelings, anxiety, feeling down, useless, sad.. but I have never really done much about it, on the outside everyone says I am so cheery (well in a morbid way :D) and seem so with it, my friend was really surprised when I said I was looking to get help, not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I keep chanting to myself – girl, you tried to invite two unknown rescue animals into your home, with the best of intentions,  one of them did not get along with your existing pets, and one of your existing pets did not get along back – it didn’t work out – you didn’t abandon them, you took them back to a warm, safe home where they will spend out the rest of their days – for the safety of all the animals – and that wasn’t a bad thing to do, it was a hard thing to do, but a responsible thing to do.   This doesn’t mean you can’t try again when and if the time is right.

I keep telling myself that and I start to believe it, then something happens and I am right back to feeling like a massive sack of shit again.  I love animals, I’d do anything to help any animal.  I feel like I failed those ones, but if I had have kept them around – I would have been failing them AND my cats.   I guess part of me is really pissed off cos I was so naive – I thought they’d fit right in – and I feel guilty I didn’t think about that more.    I’m also annoyed the rehoming knew they weren’t cat tested but thought they’d be ok too as they usually are.   I’m upset and annoyed at myself mostly tho.

This whole thing has thrown my life into complete disarray, it’s crazy.  My diets gone out the window, I haven’t even looked at my homework when my exam is in a few months and all coursework has to be in in a month or so, I’ve stopped eating, eaten too much, had no sleep, slept all the time – it’s been such a rollercoaster.   I feel like a burden to most, then I feel lonely and think maybe if I just disappeared from everywhere then peoples lives would be much better without me prattling on, like just delete all my social media stuff, get a train somewhere far away and just let ppl have good lives without me in it.. and that scares me and makes me sad because I know that’s not right.

Everyone I have spoken to has been nothing short of kind and amazing, yet here I am still worrying ppl think I’m a terrible person and I should be ashamed.

So no, I don’t like to use the term “mental health” but that is what it is, and that is what I am having a problem with right now.  BUT YAY, lost 2.5lbs.

People have asked me to please concentrate on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, because they are far more important and outweigh the other, that I am a wonderful, kind, funny, caring person.  I wish I felt that!

What I wouldn’t give for a time machine, huh?

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

I can’t say that’s totally true for me, if you know me or you’ve been keeping up with my blog you know its been a very mixed emotion month or so, but as a good friend said to me, yes you’ll feel down, but the periods that you don’t will get longer and longer.

I can’t help but think about the whole dog adoption trial failure debarcle over and over, even though many have said it’s done, it can’t be undone, you tried your best and ALL animals are safe, happy and settled, so you did the absolute right thing – it still makes me cry all the time.   I know there is nothing stopping me in the future to provide a rescue dog with a home and maybe that will heal the pain caused by this, but I also am not naive enough to know that it will be a long process, making sure the cats are ok with dogs, making sure the dog is ok with cats, making sure we get the absolute right fight for our household – so all is not lost forever, just this time it wasn’t supposed to be.

Pretty sure all my friends are sick of listening to me whinge on about it, although they’ve all been so great to me, and I love them for it.

Anyway, I need to try and get out of this funk and I am not sure how – I need to start exercising again, I need to get back on dieting again –  I need to get out of this low slump that I can’t seem to manage.   But I know my mental health and my actual health are on a downward spiral right now and I need to sort that – I need to stop feeling like a horrible person, like a failure – yes something failed but not for the want of making it work, not with all the best intentions – I tried to give rescue dogs a home a home with rescue cats and was naive enough to think as they were the same breed as our old dog they’d be ok,  and I was wrong – that doesn’t mean I am a horrible person, I didn’t dump them on the street or even in a kennel, they went back to a warm house which they were previously fostered in and are beyond loved and are happier there.   Stop beating myself up – that is what I need to do.

That being said, a friend of mine donated us two Musk Turtles, as after having a child and moving into a smaller flat really needed the room they took up – so now we have two turtles too, they’re cute and they are going in my eldest daughters room, my girls are happy with them and although yes we have cats, they are in a lidded tank and the cats won’t be able to get to them – but it’s given me something new to worry about!

Ugh, someone slap me and make me sort my damn life out please.  I just hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a terrible person because I try so so hard to be the best I can, and I do anything and everything for anyone and everyone – I am a people pleaser, and I feel that is my biggest failure here.

It’s been a while.

It’s been a while.

Hey guys,

It’s been a while.   I have been on and off with my diet, we had a bit of an upheavel in my RL and I am being a bit of a debbie downer about it.

We had our pug, Mr Tom a few years ago, we rescued him at 8/9 years old and he was a slow, quiet, docile old thing who mostly just slept.  Adorable! Wasn’t a jumper so couldn’t get up the stairs or on the sofas, and we loved him.  Sadly he passed away a few months ago and I always said NO MORE DOGS – this is my 3rd dog heartbreak and I didn’t feel I could take it.   Also we have two cats.  One is more dominant and the other is seemingly quiet, shy and retiring who is scared of her own shadow.   They weren’t in love with the dog, but they also weren’t really bothered by him, although the more docile cat – Molly – took her fair share of swipes at him, but he bowed his head and she let it go.

2 weeks ago we were selected to adopt 2 pugs.  Mother and Daughter – Millie and Tilly – I didn’t even think twice about this, I was prepared for double costs, poops, walking etc… but what I did not count on – was the cats hating every second of it.

I bought them home and while they would all eat treats together in a ring, as soon as food was out the way all bets were off.  I thought I’d have trouble with the more dominant cat,  but she just took a swipe when the smallest dog went for her and got out of harms way – not perfect solution – but workable.  The other cat? Molly? That timid shy thing that runs from her own shadow? turned into a vicious beast.   She drew blood – several times – she hissed at their every movement,  she swatted and battled and unlike Mr Tom, they battled back.  Not Millie (5 yr old mother of 3 yr old Tilly) so much, but Tilly may not have aggressively fought back, but she defended herself, and who could blame her?

I thought this would pass, people kept saying give it time, give it time.  I booked trainer appointments, I got plug ins, eventually the cat was put on anti anxiety medication but it didn’t help, it just kept pilling on, they couldn’t walk thru the living room door without the cat attacking them, I couldn’t leave the room without ensuring either that cat or the dogs were with me, twice I had to run down the stairs straight from the toilet almost killing myself with my trousers round my ankles cos I could hear them kicking off – and with their flat faces, pugs eyes are SO vulnerable, a claw in the wrong area could set them back for life.  People suggested sectioning off areas of the house,  there is nothing I could do to stop the cats getting into any of the rooms except the bedrooms, its an open plan house, but we did start shutting the dogs into the kitchen if we were going out.   I feel like everyone is pointing and judging with the ” you didn’t try hard enough” – people haven’t as far as I know, they’ve all agreed it was the best thing for all involved, and no shame in that.

I was a bag of nerves, I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping.  While these two lovable dogs just wanted to be on my lap constantly, which was fine, as soon as they moved it was a pet war zone, I am not even exaggerating.  I hadn’t counted on this and it threw me.

Less than two weeks after we picked them up so excited I broke everyones heart and after a discussion with my vet and my girls dad, and the foster mum of the dogs, I decided they had to go back and I haven’t stopped crying since.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I offered these dogs their forever home and didn’t try hard enough to make it work.    They were not ever left alone with the cats if I was out, but I stopped going anywhere because I didn’t want them to be shut in the kitchen while I galavanted, they aren’t senior dogs that just wanted to sleep and they weren’t allowed to roam, because I feared the cat would maim them, I felt like a prisoner in my own home, even when I was in my own home and I literally sat crying all the time, about the fighting, about everything.

Reality is the longer it went on, the more aggressive and in their face the cat got unless held back.  It wasn’t constant, but it was unpredictable.   I didn’t want them to get damaged eyes and I also had to think about the welfare of my cats too.  A lot of people said “get rid of the cat?” I couldn’t do that – what kind of person would that make me? Out with the old and in with the new? Not my style.  Shes not an aggressive cat, pugs are not an aggressive breed – but these two together just wasn’t working.

I feel awful, I have broken my own heart, I am pretty sure I have broken my girls hearts.  The foster mum is a lovely LOVELY lady and I drove 200 round miles with my own mum to drop them back, I didn’t want to keep them for Christmas as that felt wrong, and I also wanted them to be out of harms way.    As soon as they were back in her home Tillys tail shot up, I hadn’t seen it up around the cats at all, only when Molly was out of the way, they ran around with the ladies dogs and they looked at home.  I don’t think i’ve ever felt so much of a failure in my life.

I know deep down they are better off, we have kept in touch and she said they are fine, settled and its like they’ve never been away. The cats, however, are still fighting amongst themselves – but I hope that will get better – they’ve only ever done that once before.  I just feel so low.

I was prepared to pay the earth – I told the charity to keep the adoption fees, I didn’t want a refund, it wasn’t about the money – I bought vaccinations for life that will carry over and all their new crates and bedding and toys went with them.  The foster mum tells me this goes to show how huge my heart is – I don’t feel like it is.

I should take it as a learning curve, I know.   Not all dogs can get on with all cats, but I’ve sat this morning looking at friends photos of their dog/cat combos and I can’t help feeling like that could have happened – but as everyone keeps pointing out, it may not have too, and with damage being done to one of the four animals that I would never forgive myself for.

I keep trying to convince myself I did the right thing for all, I am probably the one suffering the most – they are loved and happy and out of the cats claws reach, the cats are slowly coming back to normality, the kids will bounce back no doubt – but I feel like this dwelling is never ending.

It’s not as easy as just “moving on” when you feel you’ve done something wrong.  I just wish I could feel better.

Sorry just waffling here as it’s the only place I can waffle.

I didn’t give them away cos I couldn’t be arsed, or that I just got bored, they were rescue dogs, with rescue cats – where no backgrounds are really known – and I did it for the wellbeing of all the fur babies, some ppl say it was selfless, but I don’t see that.

Yeah, I haven’t convinced myself yet.  I doubt I ever will.

I feel like utter shit on a stick.

Oh Monday!

Oh Monday!

It’s Monday – I hate Monday.  I know it’s not uncommon to give the poor day more flack than it should get but its always that feeling of just getting to sleep – especially in the colder weather – and getting snuggled up and warm and BLAMMO – MONDAY!  RIGHT IN THE FACE.

This Monday was harder because I told myself that I am always so shattered on a Monday night after a long day at work, picking up my youngest  from my parents house, then getting home between 6-6.30 (yes I know, not all that long shhhh) and THEN having to make dinner -that I should get up earlier on a Monday and whack something in the slow cooker!  I did this last week, I made a Curry – I think I put too much water in it, oopsy.   So anyway there I was this morning chopping carrots and chicken and herbing up some potatoes and onions and carefully making sure I wasn’t adding too much water, yawning like a trooper.  It better not a) burn the house down (always a worry) or b) taste like crap or I will cry!!!

I am not feeling it today, none of it.  I haven’t had breakfast yet because I cannot eat early in the morning, it just makes me feel ill, so I tend to eat at work around 10am on my break – but today I spent my breaktime at a colleagues desk talking about dogs.  OH DEAR – now my tummy is rumbling, so I am holding on til lunch when I will just shovel everything in my packed lunch bag down my throat (well not the Mug Shot – that’ll be hot).

The cold weather has sent me a bit loopy with food and it’s so anger enducing that I cannot get it together.  I spent the week being good then spent Sunday in a pub for a training shift (discounted food woot!) shovelling all I could into my face, including a Dessert Calzone that must have been about 2000 calories (it was stuffed with waffles, brownies and chocolate sauce ffs) – I didn’t eat all of it, that would have been madness!

But here I am this morning after a reasonably early (for me) night at 11.15pm yawning my goddamn head off crying onto my work paperwork because I can’t get a grip on anything in life right now!  My anxiety has gone through the roof with some stuff going on in RL, I can’t get a grip on food and I am just so effin’ tired!  I am also really fed up of ppl saying “well just don’t worry about it” I don’t have the anxiety that comes out of a cracker, I do have medication to stop me being such a tit – it’s an actual thing, not just me worrying for the sake of it – if I could just stop it,  I would!   Like ok if you don’t want to listen to my anxiety rambling then that’s fair enough,tell me to can it – but do NOT tell me to just carry on or shrug at me and say “well idk why you are worrying” – COS I CAN’T HELP IT!  So frustrating!!   So then I worry about that, that I am being a bother, or maybe I could just stop worrying – wouldn’t life be sweet if we just stopped worrying about stuff we couldn’t control – I remember when I was able to do that without the crippling anxiety feelings weighing me down.

This isn’t a pity me thing, I know I am a tit, I know only I can change it, but sometimes the complete lack of empathy or even time people with give people with anxiety is really saddening – it’s not something anyone likes or wants, it’s not something they can just switch off  – if you can then that’s great,  I think I speak for most ppl with anxiety issues that we envy the ever loving fuck out of you – but we aren’t all wired that way.

AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

😦

HEY YOU GUISSEEEE!

HEY YOU GUISSEEEE!

I AM SO HAPPY!   I really didn’t think I would have lost this week, I was expecting another maintain week, as I had my daughters party at which I hoovered up Pizza, Sausages and Cake like nobody’s business!  But I think what I have learnt all these weeks now, is that you can have a bit of what you want, if you just don’t go full force mental all week with it.  One day straying a bit off plan isn’t the end of the world, you CAN still lose weight, as long as you remain calm and sensible the rest of the time, and that pleases me greatly.

I have been reading a lot lately about people who have had gastric bands, or bypasses, or are doing the 5:2, or the Cambridge Diet, or even pills.. and I have seen quite a bit of resentment towards people who manage to do it without any of those things, and enjoy it, and it’s really weird.     I haven’t gone on any crazy purges (which I did used to have an issue with), I haven’t had anything fitted, or removed, I haven’t cut everything out of my diet in a bid to lose weight, but that’s whats worked for me.  I am happy with the way I am doing it, and I wouldn’t want to do it any other way.

It all comes back to what I have said before, it doesn’t feel like a diet, it’s a lifestyle change.  I admit I used to hate the idea of eating salad or carrot sticks and houmous for lunch or adding beetroot to things cos EW to all those things.  But now? Now I bloody love those things! Not because I HAVE to, but because I actually enjoy it!  Is it because I am seeing a loss in my weight and a raise in how healthy I feel?? Who knows, but I am seeing it as a blessing.

I am also seeing a lot of fat shaming things, and I am fat, I haven’t always been, but I love food that is bad for me and I hate exercise, so I only have myself to blame. I am trying to be less fat for my confidence, my health and for ME, not for anybody else.  I would never fat shame anyone, I might try and help people who have EXPRESSED they want help with losing weight, by just talking about how I have done it and I am by NO means an expert at all, but I can just say well I do this! and that! and it works –  but the shoe also fits the other foot.  People do “weight loss shame” too,  everyone I have encountered personally have been SO supportive of me, congratulating me, egging me on, telling me to keep with it – but I do read a lot of stuff where people seem negative and jealous that people are doing well, or making a change in their lives.  I guess maybe sometimes people that are losing/have lost weight may come across as condescending, and I do hope I never com across like that – but I think a majority of us are just like OMG YAY ITS WORKING WOOO!  But don’t think that it doesn’t happen the other way around, it does.

There is no shame in being proud of your size, or wanting to be smaller, it’s what works for YOU, yourself – not everyone else.

That being said I do get frustrated when people do not help themselves, do not be surprised if you come to me for advice or help and you are going to ignore every single word I say to you, that I either stop helping you, or want to punch you in teh face.   I get not everything works for everyone, but if you truly want to do it, then commit.  That was always my issue, I couldn’t keep it up, but so far I have lost more than I have on ANY other diet, without feeling on a diet, so I am truly committed.  I am even doing my C210K and I really didnt’ want to the other night, but knew if I didn’t do it one night, I would make excuses for the others and it would snowball and eventually, I’d end up back in the same loop of weight loss then weight gain, and being sad and depressed about my weight again.

Just do your thing, and respect others doing theirs, whatever it is.