Hi!

Hi!

Long time no see!!  I’ve started a new venture.  I now make cards!  I’m a Stampin’ Up Independent Consultant over at heatherfev.stampinup.net and I plan to do a lot on this site when I’ve found my feet.

Keep your eyes peeled

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi.

Well, haven’t been here in a while!  Had a lot going on, but I am more determined than ever to get myself back on track, so here I am.

I will be looking at new recipes, inspirations and basically talking crap YAY!

 

Hrrmmm

Hrrmmm

Well, I am still here – still struggling in SO many ways.

I’ve managed to put on 7lbs in the last 4 weeks – oh well – I can lose that again I know that, I am not going to lose that much sleep over it, although I am a bit disappointed in myself.  Not the end of the world tho, back to overnight oats, salad in jars and a chicken/bacon pasta until it comes out of my eyeballs.

Things are tootling along in the background, not much of it I can go into right now, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can prattle on about that!

Other than that I’m still very emotional, I think it’s only since the whole debarcle with the two lovely girl pugs and it all being so stressful that it has really hit me to grieve for Mr Tom.   I just got on with it, I didn’t spend endless weeks moping about, I missed him but I kept it to a minimum outwardly.  But since the failed adoption trial with them I have been a wreck, hardly sleeping, over eating (or not at all, then eating enough for four), feeling sick and generally shitty, crying all the time randomly and just breaking down at really inopportune times.  YAY!  I have shut myself away from reality really,  this is the first time in weeks I’ve been on my laptop, although obvs I’ve been on my phone – you know, can’t live without technology!   I’ve found solace in dumb phone games, watching more movies, reading more books, and geeking out with my kids with card and dice games, and it’s been really nice.

Those who know me know I am not overly social in RL, I love to go out and BE social, but only with those I am comfy with, and my best friends mainly live inside my PC scattered around the country/globe.   I have missed them, but I haven’t felt that it’s ok to go onto social media and be chirpy or integrate with people, because I have felt ashamed and like I should sit in a corner and just think about what I’ve done until I die, pretty much.

I have kinda lost the plot big time with my feelings although to be honest it was about time for a proper meltdown.    So I had a do adoption trial that didn’t work out because the dogs (well one of them) was not a cat fan, and the cats (again one of the little buggers) was also not a fan of this said dog – it happens, I didn’t abandon them in a shelter or in a field, they went back to a home where they were safe, loved and happy (I could tell that when I dropped them off and they ran around playing carefree without wading into a cat fight) – I feel like I failed but in reality it was animal personalities clashing – I guess I spent so long trawling the internet and reading the opinions of ppl saying it needs more time, try feliway, do this, do that (for the record I have feliway out the wazoo), oh god ppl that give up on pets are awful and deserve hell – that I bought into it and feel like I am not worthy of anything.  These people weren’t living in the situation I was and if I could have kept the dogs/cats separate at ALL times and I was a stay at home person then maybe I could have lasted longer, but these spats happened in front of me and my kids constantly, it wasn’t fun to watch, and you can’t surely live in a house where pets are always kept away from each other or ones are locked away – what is the point in that?  But I read all the shitty comments on other ppls posts and felt they were aimed at me – batshit much?  Bear in mind these were ppl that were giving their dogs up for a variety of reasons – after YEARS – not people that had failed adoption trials.   There were the odd nice commenters who understood it wasn’t an easy choice for the person to make and pointed out the welfare of the dogs should be first, not the stigma of rehoming an animal being an awful thing to do – not always is that the case – but none the less the internet left me feeling like a shitty person in a world full of people that were willing to “try harder”.  I am not naive enough to believe if I am in full capacity of my wits that that is even remotely true – everyones story is different,  we can judge and point and say we can do better – but we aren’t living in those shoes.

My friend asked me if I thought putting things out on FB or in the open was the wisest thing, but I guess its what I do – not my entire business but I do just tend to waffle, just to get it out – and yeah I could do that privately,  I guess I seek the comfort of friends when I am feeling down, although I am aware that I can do that privately, so I’ve been thinking about social media too, and how many ppl I have that probably couldn’t give two shits about whats going on in my life and probably don’t even give my shit the time of day – yet there I am putting it all out there, seems a bit silly!  (a bit like this post I think, but its my personal blog and only the ppl I share the link with or will find it by some weird miracle will read it, so thats ok :P) – I don’t know if it’s just because I’m actually in a really low place or I am just trying to find myself, but I find myself less and less drawn to being online – that happens now and then tho, so no drastic deleting of accounts or leaving games/online words – just stepping back and letting life take its course however it happens.

Yet here I still am, stressing about anything and everything, anxiety through the roof about the smallest of things, things that probably don’t even matter – no1currrs.  Doesn’t stop me wanting to vomit 24/7 or want to just drive somewhere and set up a whole new life to mess up.  DRAMATIC OR WHAT?   Yeah, I don’t do things by halves.

Just when I think it’s ok I go down a bit again, but I know I don’t have it that bad, I should be thankful for what I do have, and I am.  I am thankful for my friends who have listened to me and not killed me, my family for being there for me, anyone and everyone that has hugged me or sent me a nice message or words of support when I have felt that I have deserved none of it, and should probably just be shot in the face on sight.

I have a lot to be happy for, and thankful for and I know I will get there, it’s a bit like 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that’s still getting a little further each time.

I wish I wasn’t feeling like a complete hopeless nutcase who doesn’t deserve anything, because it doesn’t feel like its much like me at all, and I miss feeling more like me.

It’s been a while.

It’s been a while.

Hey guys,

It’s been a while.   I have been on and off with my diet, we had a bit of an upheavel in my RL and I am being a bit of a debbie downer about it.

We had our pug, Mr Tom a few years ago, we rescued him at 8/9 years old and he was a slow, quiet, docile old thing who mostly just slept.  Adorable! Wasn’t a jumper so couldn’t get up the stairs or on the sofas, and we loved him.  Sadly he passed away a few months ago and I always said NO MORE DOGS – this is my 3rd dog heartbreak and I didn’t feel I could take it.   Also we have two cats.  One is more dominant and the other is seemingly quiet, shy and retiring who is scared of her own shadow.   They weren’t in love with the dog, but they also weren’t really bothered by him, although the more docile cat – Molly – took her fair share of swipes at him, but he bowed his head and she let it go.

2 weeks ago we were selected to adopt 2 pugs.  Mother and Daughter – Millie and Tilly – I didn’t even think twice about this, I was prepared for double costs, poops, walking etc… but what I did not count on – was the cats hating every second of it.

I bought them home and while they would all eat treats together in a ring, as soon as food was out the way all bets were off.  I thought I’d have trouble with the more dominant cat,  but she just took a swipe when the smallest dog went for her and got out of harms way – not perfect solution – but workable.  The other cat? Molly? That timid shy thing that runs from her own shadow? turned into a vicious beast.   She drew blood – several times – she hissed at their every movement,  she swatted and battled and unlike Mr Tom, they battled back.  Not Millie (5 yr old mother of 3 yr old Tilly) so much, but Tilly may not have aggressively fought back, but she defended herself, and who could blame her?

I thought this would pass, people kept saying give it time, give it time.  I booked trainer appointments, I got plug ins, eventually the cat was put on anti anxiety medication but it didn’t help, it just kept pilling on, they couldn’t walk thru the living room door without the cat attacking them, I couldn’t leave the room without ensuring either that cat or the dogs were with me, twice I had to run down the stairs straight from the toilet almost killing myself with my trousers round my ankles cos I could hear them kicking off – and with their flat faces, pugs eyes are SO vulnerable, a claw in the wrong area could set them back for life.  People suggested sectioning off areas of the house,  there is nothing I could do to stop the cats getting into any of the rooms except the bedrooms, its an open plan house, but we did start shutting the dogs into the kitchen if we were going out.   I feel like everyone is pointing and judging with the ” you didn’t try hard enough” – people haven’t as far as I know, they’ve all agreed it was the best thing for all involved, and no shame in that.

I was a bag of nerves, I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping.  While these two lovable dogs just wanted to be on my lap constantly, which was fine, as soon as they moved it was a pet war zone, I am not even exaggerating.  I hadn’t counted on this and it threw me.

Less than two weeks after we picked them up so excited I broke everyones heart and after a discussion with my vet and my girls dad, and the foster mum of the dogs, I decided they had to go back and I haven’t stopped crying since.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I offered these dogs their forever home and didn’t try hard enough to make it work.    They were not ever left alone with the cats if I was out, but I stopped going anywhere because I didn’t want them to be shut in the kitchen while I galavanted, they aren’t senior dogs that just wanted to sleep and they weren’t allowed to roam, because I feared the cat would maim them, I felt like a prisoner in my own home, even when I was in my own home and I literally sat crying all the time, about the fighting, about everything.

Reality is the longer it went on, the more aggressive and in their face the cat got unless held back.  It wasn’t constant, but it was unpredictable.   I didn’t want them to get damaged eyes and I also had to think about the welfare of my cats too.  A lot of people said “get rid of the cat?” I couldn’t do that – what kind of person would that make me? Out with the old and in with the new? Not my style.  Shes not an aggressive cat, pugs are not an aggressive breed – but these two together just wasn’t working.

I feel awful, I have broken my own heart, I am pretty sure I have broken my girls hearts.  The foster mum is a lovely LOVELY lady and I drove 200 round miles with my own mum to drop them back, I didn’t want to keep them for Christmas as that felt wrong, and I also wanted them to be out of harms way.    As soon as they were back in her home Tillys tail shot up, I hadn’t seen it up around the cats at all, only when Molly was out of the way, they ran around with the ladies dogs and they looked at home.  I don’t think i’ve ever felt so much of a failure in my life.

I know deep down they are better off, we have kept in touch and she said they are fine, settled and its like they’ve never been away. The cats, however, are still fighting amongst themselves – but I hope that will get better – they’ve only ever done that once before.  I just feel so low.

I was prepared to pay the earth – I told the charity to keep the adoption fees, I didn’t want a refund, it wasn’t about the money – I bought vaccinations for life that will carry over and all their new crates and bedding and toys went with them.  The foster mum tells me this goes to show how huge my heart is – I don’t feel like it is.

I should take it as a learning curve, I know.   Not all dogs can get on with all cats, but I’ve sat this morning looking at friends photos of their dog/cat combos and I can’t help feeling like that could have happened – but as everyone keeps pointing out, it may not have too, and with damage being done to one of the four animals that I would never forgive myself for.

I keep trying to convince myself I did the right thing for all, I am probably the one suffering the most – they are loved and happy and out of the cats claws reach, the cats are slowly coming back to normality, the kids will bounce back no doubt – but I feel like this dwelling is never ending.

It’s not as easy as just “moving on” when you feel you’ve done something wrong.  I just wish I could feel better.

Sorry just waffling here as it’s the only place I can waffle.

I didn’t give them away cos I couldn’t be arsed, or that I just got bored, they were rescue dogs, with rescue cats – where no backgrounds are really known – and I did it for the wellbeing of all the fur babies, some ppl say it was selfless, but I don’t see that.

Yeah, I haven’t convinced myself yet.  I doubt I ever will.

I feel like utter shit on a stick.

Oh em gee.

Oh em gee.

Instawords_20151103_191527_1345545738

I maintained.  I am SO HAPPY!!!  I really did think there’d be a gain.   It’s also quite a boost to know you can still go to all you can eat pizza buffets and not gain! Now,  back on it!!

Plodding on.

Plodding on.

Here I am,  plodding on!  

I said when I started going to classes I’d not get on the scales at home,  we all know scales can be off and I told myself nope,  wait until you go the class and let that me your only time on the scales,  don’t be ruled by it.  So weigh in..  It’s kinda like a Kinder Egg,  a really shitty kinder egg with no chocolate,  no toy but if you’re lucky perhaps carrying around a little less fat.

I’ve not done so great yet today as I’ve been out and about,  I’ve had fruit,  coffee,  a slice of toast and then my stomach wigged out and I had a packet of crisps.   One of my faves,  Seabrooks Sea Salted.   Only a small bag from a multipack,  won’t be too bad.   FIVE BLOODY POINTS!! oh well,  they were great, and I shared with the dog.

In most aspects of life I am and always have beeb fairly organised,  but lately with everything going on around me I’ve just lost the art of concentration and general common sense seems to have seeped from my brain and been replaced with gibberish.

I need to plan,  meal plan,  snack plan,  life plan.  Planning is key.   Oh I guess I also have to accept my shitty Kinder Egg weigh in is better for me than a chocolate one,  so acceptance and planning.  That’s what I need.