Hrrmmm

Hrrmmm

Well, I am still here – still struggling in SO many ways.

I’ve managed to put on 7lbs in the last 4 weeks – oh well – I can lose that again I know that, I am not going to lose that much sleep over it, although I am a bit disappointed in myself.  Not the end of the world tho, back to overnight oats, salad in jars and a chicken/bacon pasta until it comes out of my eyeballs.

Things are tootling along in the background, not much of it I can go into right now, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can prattle on about that!

Other than that I’m still very emotional, I think it’s only since the whole debarcle with the two lovely girl pugs and it all being so stressful that it has really hit me to grieve for Mr Tom.   I just got on with it, I didn’t spend endless weeks moping about, I missed him but I kept it to a minimum outwardly.  But since the failed adoption trial with them I have been a wreck, hardly sleeping, over eating (or not at all, then eating enough for four), feeling sick and generally shitty, crying all the time randomly and just breaking down at really inopportune times.  YAY!  I have shut myself away from reality really,  this is the first time in weeks I’ve been on my laptop, although obvs I’ve been on my phone – you know, can’t live without technology!   I’ve found solace in dumb phone games, watching more movies, reading more books, and geeking out with my kids with card and dice games, and it’s been really nice.

Those who know me know I am not overly social in RL, I love to go out and BE social, but only with those I am comfy with, and my best friends mainly live inside my PC scattered around the country/globe.   I have missed them, but I haven’t felt that it’s ok to go onto social media and be chirpy or integrate with people, because I have felt ashamed and like I should sit in a corner and just think about what I’ve done until I die, pretty much.

I have kinda lost the plot big time with my feelings although to be honest it was about time for a proper meltdown.    So I had a do adoption trial that didn’t work out because the dogs (well one of them) was not a cat fan, and the cats (again one of the little buggers) was also not a fan of this said dog – it happens, I didn’t abandon them in a shelter or in a field, they went back to a home where they were safe, loved and happy (I could tell that when I dropped them off and they ran around playing carefree without wading into a cat fight) – I feel like I failed but in reality it was animal personalities clashing – I guess I spent so long trawling the internet and reading the opinions of ppl saying it needs more time, try feliway, do this, do that (for the record I have feliway out the wazoo), oh god ppl that give up on pets are awful and deserve hell – that I bought into it and feel like I am not worthy of anything.  These people weren’t living in the situation I was and if I could have kept the dogs/cats separate at ALL times and I was a stay at home person then maybe I could have lasted longer, but these spats happened in front of me and my kids constantly, it wasn’t fun to watch, and you can’t surely live in a house where pets are always kept away from each other or ones are locked away – what is the point in that?  But I read all the shitty comments on other ppls posts and felt they were aimed at me – batshit much?  Bear in mind these were ppl that were giving their dogs up for a variety of reasons – after YEARS – not people that had failed adoption trials.   There were the odd nice commenters who understood it wasn’t an easy choice for the person to make and pointed out the welfare of the dogs should be first, not the stigma of rehoming an animal being an awful thing to do – not always is that the case – but none the less the internet left me feeling like a shitty person in a world full of people that were willing to “try harder”.  I am not naive enough to believe if I am in full capacity of my wits that that is even remotely true – everyones story is different,  we can judge and point and say we can do better – but we aren’t living in those shoes.

My friend asked me if I thought putting things out on FB or in the open was the wisest thing, but I guess its what I do – not my entire business but I do just tend to waffle, just to get it out – and yeah I could do that privately,  I guess I seek the comfort of friends when I am feeling down, although I am aware that I can do that privately, so I’ve been thinking about social media too, and how many ppl I have that probably couldn’t give two shits about whats going on in my life and probably don’t even give my shit the time of day – yet there I am putting it all out there, seems a bit silly!  (a bit like this post I think, but its my personal blog and only the ppl I share the link with or will find it by some weird miracle will read it, so thats ok :P) – I don’t know if it’s just because I’m actually in a really low place or I am just trying to find myself, but I find myself less and less drawn to being online – that happens now and then tho, so no drastic deleting of accounts or leaving games/online words – just stepping back and letting life take its course however it happens.

Yet here I still am, stressing about anything and everything, anxiety through the roof about the smallest of things, things that probably don’t even matter – no1currrs.  Doesn’t stop me wanting to vomit 24/7 or want to just drive somewhere and set up a whole new life to mess up.  DRAMATIC OR WHAT?   Yeah, I don’t do things by halves.

Just when I think it’s ok I go down a bit again, but I know I don’t have it that bad, I should be thankful for what I do have, and I am.  I am thankful for my friends who have listened to me and not killed me, my family for being there for me, anyone and everyone that has hugged me or sent me a nice message or words of support when I have felt that I have deserved none of it, and should probably just be shot in the face on sight.

I have a lot to be happy for, and thankful for and I know I will get there, it’s a bit like 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that’s still getting a little further each time.

I wish I wasn’t feeling like a complete hopeless nutcase who doesn’t deserve anything, because it doesn’t feel like its much like me at all, and I miss feeling more like me.

Advertisements
It’s been a while.

It’s been a while.

Hey guys,

It’s been a while.   I have been on and off with my diet, we had a bit of an upheavel in my RL and I am being a bit of a debbie downer about it.

We had our pug, Mr Tom a few years ago, we rescued him at 8/9 years old and he was a slow, quiet, docile old thing who mostly just slept.  Adorable! Wasn’t a jumper so couldn’t get up the stairs or on the sofas, and we loved him.  Sadly he passed away a few months ago and I always said NO MORE DOGS – this is my 3rd dog heartbreak and I didn’t feel I could take it.   Also we have two cats.  One is more dominant and the other is seemingly quiet, shy and retiring who is scared of her own shadow.   They weren’t in love with the dog, but they also weren’t really bothered by him, although the more docile cat – Molly – took her fair share of swipes at him, but he bowed his head and she let it go.

2 weeks ago we were selected to adopt 2 pugs.  Mother and Daughter – Millie and Tilly – I didn’t even think twice about this, I was prepared for double costs, poops, walking etc… but what I did not count on – was the cats hating every second of it.

I bought them home and while they would all eat treats together in a ring, as soon as food was out the way all bets were off.  I thought I’d have trouble with the more dominant cat,  but she just took a swipe when the smallest dog went for her and got out of harms way – not perfect solution – but workable.  The other cat? Molly? That timid shy thing that runs from her own shadow? turned into a vicious beast.   She drew blood – several times – she hissed at their every movement,  she swatted and battled and unlike Mr Tom, they battled back.  Not Millie (5 yr old mother of 3 yr old Tilly) so much, but Tilly may not have aggressively fought back, but she defended herself, and who could blame her?

I thought this would pass, people kept saying give it time, give it time.  I booked trainer appointments, I got plug ins, eventually the cat was put on anti anxiety medication but it didn’t help, it just kept pilling on, they couldn’t walk thru the living room door without the cat attacking them, I couldn’t leave the room without ensuring either that cat or the dogs were with me, twice I had to run down the stairs straight from the toilet almost killing myself with my trousers round my ankles cos I could hear them kicking off – and with their flat faces, pugs eyes are SO vulnerable, a claw in the wrong area could set them back for life.  People suggested sectioning off areas of the house,  there is nothing I could do to stop the cats getting into any of the rooms except the bedrooms, its an open plan house, but we did start shutting the dogs into the kitchen if we were going out.   I feel like everyone is pointing and judging with the ” you didn’t try hard enough” – people haven’t as far as I know, they’ve all agreed it was the best thing for all involved, and no shame in that.

I was a bag of nerves, I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping.  While these two lovable dogs just wanted to be on my lap constantly, which was fine, as soon as they moved it was a pet war zone, I am not even exaggerating.  I hadn’t counted on this and it threw me.

Less than two weeks after we picked them up so excited I broke everyones heart and after a discussion with my vet and my girls dad, and the foster mum of the dogs, I decided they had to go back and I haven’t stopped crying since.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I offered these dogs their forever home and didn’t try hard enough to make it work.    They were not ever left alone with the cats if I was out, but I stopped going anywhere because I didn’t want them to be shut in the kitchen while I galavanted, they aren’t senior dogs that just wanted to sleep and they weren’t allowed to roam, because I feared the cat would maim them, I felt like a prisoner in my own home, even when I was in my own home and I literally sat crying all the time, about the fighting, about everything.

Reality is the longer it went on, the more aggressive and in their face the cat got unless held back.  It wasn’t constant, but it was unpredictable.   I didn’t want them to get damaged eyes and I also had to think about the welfare of my cats too.  A lot of people said “get rid of the cat?” I couldn’t do that – what kind of person would that make me? Out with the old and in with the new? Not my style.  Shes not an aggressive cat, pugs are not an aggressive breed – but these two together just wasn’t working.

I feel awful, I have broken my own heart, I am pretty sure I have broken my girls hearts.  The foster mum is a lovely LOVELY lady and I drove 200 round miles with my own mum to drop them back, I didn’t want to keep them for Christmas as that felt wrong, and I also wanted them to be out of harms way.    As soon as they were back in her home Tillys tail shot up, I hadn’t seen it up around the cats at all, only when Molly was out of the way, they ran around with the ladies dogs and they looked at home.  I don’t think i’ve ever felt so much of a failure in my life.

I know deep down they are better off, we have kept in touch and she said they are fine, settled and its like they’ve never been away. The cats, however, are still fighting amongst themselves – but I hope that will get better – they’ve only ever done that once before.  I just feel so low.

I was prepared to pay the earth – I told the charity to keep the adoption fees, I didn’t want a refund, it wasn’t about the money – I bought vaccinations for life that will carry over and all their new crates and bedding and toys went with them.  The foster mum tells me this goes to show how huge my heart is – I don’t feel like it is.

I should take it as a learning curve, I know.   Not all dogs can get on with all cats, but I’ve sat this morning looking at friends photos of their dog/cat combos and I can’t help feeling like that could have happened – but as everyone keeps pointing out, it may not have too, and with damage being done to one of the four animals that I would never forgive myself for.

I keep trying to convince myself I did the right thing for all, I am probably the one suffering the most – they are loved and happy and out of the cats claws reach, the cats are slowly coming back to normality, the kids will bounce back no doubt – but I feel like this dwelling is never ending.

It’s not as easy as just “moving on” when you feel you’ve done something wrong.  I just wish I could feel better.

Sorry just waffling here as it’s the only place I can waffle.

I didn’t give them away cos I couldn’t be arsed, or that I just got bored, they were rescue dogs, with rescue cats – where no backgrounds are really known – and I did it for the wellbeing of all the fur babies, some ppl say it was selfless, but I don’t see that.

Yeah, I haven’t convinced myself yet.  I doubt I ever will.

I feel like utter shit on a stick.

WOOT WOOT!

WOOT WOOT!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Considering I was panicing (again) about the fact I went to the pub on Sunday and ate my weight in waffle and brownie calzone I am OVER THE MOON!!!   It is SUCH a good feeling to know you can have a good time and still pull it right on back.  I have also started running again, I took a week off – I was tired and ratty and I have discovered in life, if nothing else, it pays to step back if you are not enjoying something and start it again when you feel better – back on the treadmill Monday and LOVED IT.  That much that I signed up and the eldest up for the Colour Run next June! MADNESS!!  But by that time I hope to be able to run 5k without dying,  it is a surprise on the C25k (yeah I dropped the 10k one I was pushing there tbh) when you go from walking/jogging in repetitions of 90 seconds and on week three BOOM 90 jogging, 90 walking, THREE MINUTES jogging, three minutes walking – twice.  THREE MINUTES!

Probably loads of fit ppl reading this going HA! THREE MINUTES! but for a flabby girl with bad knees and a hate for moving faster than 4km an hour unless there is a cake dangling from a string, its TOUGH. But I did it, I  reached out twice to knock it down from 6kmph but I didn’t, I did the full 3 minutes twice without giving in.

So to me, that is a gold star and a HALF!  So last night was a really nice surprise to top off a really stressful day, really nice!

I have been trying to sleep better too, I have got into a pattern of bed between 12-1am and up again between 6-7am and it was killing me, I’ve been in bed by 11pm the last few nights,  and not waking til 7am and slowly I am feeling more human, so sleep definitely is not for the weak, it’s for the sensible.  Although I do fear I am becoming a nan – I have a new found love of beetroot,  cardigans and the urge to learn crochet.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

Oh Monday!

Oh Monday!

It’s Monday – I hate Monday.  I know it’s not uncommon to give the poor day more flack than it should get but its always that feeling of just getting to sleep – especially in the colder weather – and getting snuggled up and warm and BLAMMO – MONDAY!  RIGHT IN THE FACE.

This Monday was harder because I told myself that I am always so shattered on a Monday night after a long day at work, picking up my youngest  from my parents house, then getting home between 6-6.30 (yes I know, not all that long shhhh) and THEN having to make dinner -that I should get up earlier on a Monday and whack something in the slow cooker!  I did this last week, I made a Curry – I think I put too much water in it, oopsy.   So anyway there I was this morning chopping carrots and chicken and herbing up some potatoes and onions and carefully making sure I wasn’t adding too much water, yawning like a trooper.  It better not a) burn the house down (always a worry) or b) taste like crap or I will cry!!!

I am not feeling it today, none of it.  I haven’t had breakfast yet because I cannot eat early in the morning, it just makes me feel ill, so I tend to eat at work around 10am on my break – but today I spent my breaktime at a colleagues desk talking about dogs.  OH DEAR – now my tummy is rumbling, so I am holding on til lunch when I will just shovel everything in my packed lunch bag down my throat (well not the Mug Shot – that’ll be hot).

The cold weather has sent me a bit loopy with food and it’s so anger enducing that I cannot get it together.  I spent the week being good then spent Sunday in a pub for a training shift (discounted food woot!) shovelling all I could into my face, including a Dessert Calzone that must have been about 2000 calories (it was stuffed with waffles, brownies and chocolate sauce ffs) – I didn’t eat all of it, that would have been madness!

But here I am this morning after a reasonably early (for me) night at 11.15pm yawning my goddamn head off crying onto my work paperwork because I can’t get a grip on anything in life right now!  My anxiety has gone through the roof with some stuff going on in RL, I can’t get a grip on food and I am just so effin’ tired!  I am also really fed up of ppl saying “well just don’t worry about it” I don’t have the anxiety that comes out of a cracker, I do have medication to stop me being such a tit – it’s an actual thing, not just me worrying for the sake of it – if I could just stop it,  I would!   Like ok if you don’t want to listen to my anxiety rambling then that’s fair enough,tell me to can it – but do NOT tell me to just carry on or shrug at me and say “well idk why you are worrying” – COS I CAN’T HELP IT!  So frustrating!!   So then I worry about that, that I am being a bother, or maybe I could just stop worrying – wouldn’t life be sweet if we just stopped worrying about stuff we couldn’t control – I remember when I was able to do that without the crippling anxiety feelings weighing me down.

This isn’t a pity me thing, I know I am a tit, I know only I can change it, but sometimes the complete lack of empathy or even time people with give people with anxiety is really saddening – it’s not something anyone likes or wants, it’s not something they can just switch off  – if you can then that’s great,  I think I speak for most ppl with anxiety issues that we envy the ever loving fuck out of you – but we aren’t all wired that way.

AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

😦

WELL!

WELL!

Well!  A little gain, but I am ok with it!

Yep, but some absolute miracle I only gained 0.5lbs!  Not too shabby, and I didn’t do my entire C210K last week either because I wasn’t feeling so hot, so I guess maybe if I had have done that as normal I may have had a maintain.  Weird to think of being chuffed about a gain, but I am not chuffed I gained, I am happy to have not gained MORE!

Back on it like a car bonnet this am, although I do need to mix it up a bit, I am getting bored with the same old food all the time, so I have to look up some recipes, get some new ideas, sort out my life so I have time to fit in all the things I want to do, it’ll be ok!

YAY!

Countdown

Countdown

Here we are, it’s weigh day and I know, I don’t think, I KNOW I have gained this week and I am dreading it.

Sounds stupid doesn’t it? You drink a bottle of port then eat like 4 BP garage sandwiches with the meal deal crisps, a mcd’s large meal and then some fried chicken at night you know you’re gonna gain weight, but at the TIME you feel like death so you just don’t care.  Salad isn’t your friend with a hangover, everyone knows that.

But I also haven’t done the start of my C210K running this week yet either, and I feel guilty!  It’s only myself that I am letting down here so I need to build a bridge and job on over it, but I usually do Mon/Weds/Fri – but yesterday I felt like so much ass, today I feel like a bit more ass.  I think I’m getting a cold, there is a nasty virus floating about work so it’s no surprise but this also leads us to NOPESVILLE – when I am ill I do one of two things – eat nothing OR eat everything.  After my weekend of rampaging on food and booze I think I’m in an eat everything mood. NONONO! I CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN!

I was moaning about it to anyone that would listen and everyone has said the same thing – since being on SW I have lost or maintained EVERY week – if (when) I gain this week then there are a few things to remember:

1.  I will know WHY I gained, because I was a lardo.

2. It will come off again.

3. You’re allowed to fall off the wagon at times, you’re only human.

4. It is NOT the end of the world, it’s a blip – a bad week, don’t let it get you down.

I am not one to blow my own trumpet but I have done well, maybe not as well as I could have done, but I’ve lived whilst eating better, had my slice of pizza and lost, so I know it can be done.  This weekend I wasn’t balanced, that’s my own fault, but it’s ok! ITS OK!

But for the first week ever I am not looking forward to weigh in, but then I am not feeling well either. I considered not going but like I said a few posts back, that helps nothing, the best thing to do when lying in a pool of drool and disappointment after falling off the wagon – is to get right back on it.

It’ll be a gut punch to have to put a + next to my pic this week tho!  I did have a lovely time in London, but next time I think my need to please the scales may outweigh the desire to nod off in a drunken stupor after planting mini burgers on my friend as she’s sleeping.

FOR SURE.

OOOOPSY DAISY!

OOOOPSY DAISY!

Well, the wagon hit a rock on Saturday night!  It’s ok, it was planned.  I was meeting up with some girlfriends in London, and although I didn’t plan to get totally rat-faced, that kinda did happen – even though I didn’t really drink that much! The Vodkas werent even doubles, I did, however, do my usual “Pint of Port” thing (It’s a thing – totally a thing) and ended up drinking most of the whole bottle, needless to say I felt a bit tender most of Sunday, and peckish.

I haven’t really had a “proper” drink in the last 8mths give or take a few nights out, so going full throttle like that probably wasn’t so smart.  I really loved the Cheese and Onion Crisps the next day tho, oh and the McD’s, and the fries and by th end of Sunday I was pretty much just slathering myself in food and writhing around going OH MY GOD I MISS EATING 20 PACKETS OF CRISPS IN ONE GOOOO.

I did fear that may be the start of a slippery slope for me, but this morning I am back to fruit for breakfast, and houmous (hummus, humus, chickpeabatter, whatever) and carrot sticks for lunch.  I need to write this down to remind myself that ONE bad day (or weekend) isn’t the end of the world – if I gain weight this week I will know why and I can rectify that.  Although part of me is so disappointed because since restarting Slimming World I have either maintained or lost, and I have lost more this time round than on any other diet!   So I must keep up with it.

I have ordered myself a new slow cooker, I already have one, but I saw one on someones instagram that had blue LED lights and is full on glass so you can see everything and I decided I must have it.  So I hunted it down and purchased it, I hope it arrives soon, I want to start using it now winter is here. STEWS ALL ROUND!

Anyway, its Monday – weigh in day tomorrow and I am feeling a little tired and worn out, I really need to sort my life out! I say this all the time and never actually do sort anything out, but I am sure more sleep would help, and more water, I can do this. I HAVE THIS. I got this.

I do.