I did it last week..

I did it last week..

I lost 2.5lbs – so chuffed with myself – then I had a drink at the weekend and spent all day yesterday recovering and eating all the things – I think I did a record of three fast food meals in one day – ugh.    Drinking didn’t make me feel better – only worse. GOOD JOB SELF!  It was for birthday celebrations tho, so I guess that’s ok.

A lot of people always ask me how I am feeling now, I think it’s what you do when people are down, and the truth is always “struggling”.  I am trying to move on and get past all the stuff, I feel ridiculous at times for feeling the way I do over something so trivial to others.  But I guess there is always someone with a bigger issue, it’s all relative isn’t it.. to yourself I mean.

I am probably boring the socks off anyone that reads this, but I need to write it down and get it out,  and this is my blog so I figure its a good a place as any.  Although I recently joined an online mental health forum and they are such a lovely bunch, and I don’t feel as much of a burden on my friends either. win win.

I feel a bit weird using the term “mental health” when describing what I am going through,  I have struggled for years with feelings, anxiety, feeling down, useless, sad.. but I have never really done much about it, on the outside everyone says I am so cheery (well in a morbid way :D) and seem so with it, my friend was really surprised when I said I was looking to get help, not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I keep chanting to myself – girl, you tried to invite two unknown rescue animals into your home, with the best of intentions,  one of them did not get along with your existing pets, and one of your existing pets did not get along back – it didn’t work out – you didn’t abandon them, you took them back to a warm, safe home where they will spend out the rest of their days – for the safety of all the animals – and that wasn’t a bad thing to do, it was a hard thing to do, but a responsible thing to do.   This doesn’t mean you can’t try again when and if the time is right.

I keep telling myself that and I start to believe it, then something happens and I am right back to feeling like a massive sack of shit again.  I love animals, I’d do anything to help any animal.  I feel like I failed those ones, but if I had have kept them around – I would have been failing them AND my cats.   I guess part of me is really pissed off cos I was so naive – I thought they’d fit right in – and I feel guilty I didn’t think about that more.    I’m also annoyed the rehoming knew they weren’t cat tested but thought they’d be ok too as they usually are.   I’m upset and annoyed at myself mostly tho.

This whole thing has thrown my life into complete disarray, it’s crazy.  My diets gone out the window, I haven’t even looked at my homework when my exam is in a few months and all coursework has to be in in a month or so, I’ve stopped eating, eaten too much, had no sleep, slept all the time – it’s been such a rollercoaster.   I feel like a burden to most, then I feel lonely and think maybe if I just disappeared from everywhere then peoples lives would be much better without me prattling on, like just delete all my social media stuff, get a train somewhere far away and just let ppl have good lives without me in it.. and that scares me and makes me sad because I know that’s not right.

Everyone I have spoken to has been nothing short of kind and amazing, yet here I am still worrying ppl think I’m a terrible person and I should be ashamed.

So no, I don’t like to use the term “mental health” but that is what it is, and that is what I am having a problem with right now.  BUT YAY, lost 2.5lbs.

People have asked me to please concentrate on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, because they are far more important and outweigh the other, that I am a wonderful, kind, funny, caring person.  I wish I felt that!

What I wouldn’t give for a time machine, huh?

Attitude

Attitude

This post isn’t so much about weight loss (cos I have been so busy the last few weeks I forgot to bother – but I think I am doing ok!) it’s about attitude.

Anyone that knows me, and knows me well knows I have fierce and strong opinions on things I am passionate about, but.. I have no confidence or courage to speak up about things.   I hate that, I hate that I see things that make me angry and I rarely speak up, I have been on a bit of a journey recently trying to find myself, make myself a better person, feel more human.. I have really been struggling lately with a lot of things in my life, both on a personal level and a work level and god on all sorts of levels about all sorts of things.

I am desperately unhappy most of the time with things in my life, which is why I am going to a workshop to help me change those things, and I know it’s one baby step at a time, trying to change the world in one foul swoop will not help me at ALL.

I think one of the things I fear most is what people think of me.  I know myself that I don’t think less of a person if they have a different opinion to mine (well unless it’s RIDICULOUS and racist or homophobic or any of those things), I don’t look down on ppl for their thoughts or ideas if I don’t agree with them, I accept the world turns because we are all different, but I am so scared of people disliking me or belitting me or thinking I am a moron… but WHY?  This is one of the questions I need to answer for myself and just quit worrying about.

The thing that makes it MORE ridiculous is that a majority of these people are people I have never and will never meet, that are anonymous people on the internet, but it terrifies me to think they won’t like me if I speak up, or think I’m stupid.  I need to work out why I care so much about these people that live inside my PC when I have oodles of friends that respect my opinion, that love me for WHO I am, no matter what I think.

Why do I do this to myself?!   I have huge anxiety problems, and honestly I could sit and cry at my PC if someone say something curt to me, I really could and that makes me feel so SO pathetic.

I’m a nice person, I am kind, I am good natured, I’d cut off my arm to make other people happy even if it hurts me (which obvs it would), I am mostly a hugely selfless person that just loves animals and kids and baking and dorky things… I just am so not cut out for being an adult, I have to adult and I have to suck it up but lately I do fear a little for my sanity.  I have been to the Dr and taken all the questionnaires and ticked all the boxes that say I can’t sleep and I worry and have anxiety and don’t eat properly and cry all the time, and apparently thats ok, nothing to worry about.

I deflect things with dry wit, sarcasm and humour.  I joke about inappropriate things and I have quite a dark sense of humour but that is how I deal,  I find it easier to just go full on sarcasm about something than anything else because it’s just the way I am.  I rarely say boo to a goose online, but my RL sees me dealing with people all day every day and I am bubbly and outgoing and friendly and ok I still have my sarcasm and wit and dark sense of humour but I was only thinking yesterday nobody would have a clue how utterly miserable I feel at times because I mask it, and I mask it hard because I don’t want to be seen as weak or miserable or helpless or pathetic.

I wish my attitude about things was to not care as much, I need to be more like that.   I feel I need to be a totally different person, or to grow as one, but then I kinda like who I am too.

LIFE IS HARD, PEOPLE!