I lost 2.5lbs – so chuffed with myself – then I had a drink at the weekend and spent all day yesterday recovering and eating all the things – I think I did a record of three fast food meals in one day – ugh. Drinking didn’t make me feel better – only worse. GOOD JOB SELF! It was for birthday celebrations tho, so I guess that’s ok.
A lot of people always ask me how I am feeling now, I think it’s what you do when people are down, and the truth is always “struggling”. I am trying to move on and get past all the stuff, I feel ridiculous at times for feeling the way I do over something so trivial to others. But I guess there is always someone with a bigger issue, it’s all relative isn’t it.. to yourself I mean.
I am probably boring the socks off anyone that reads this, but I need to write it down and get it out, and this is my blog so I figure its a good a place as any. Although I recently joined an online mental health forum and they are such a lovely bunch, and I don’t feel as much of a burden on my friends either. win win.
I feel a bit weird using the term “mental health” when describing what I am going through, I have struggled for years with feelings, anxiety, feeling down, useless, sad.. but I have never really done much about it, on the outside everyone says I am so cheery (well in a morbid way :D) and seem so with it, my friend was really surprised when I said I was looking to get help, not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.
I keep chanting to myself – girl, you tried to invite two unknown rescue animals into your home, with the best of intentions, one of them did not get along with your existing pets, and one of your existing pets did not get along back – it didn’t work out – you didn’t abandon them, you took them back to a warm, safe home where they will spend out the rest of their days – for the safety of all the animals – and that wasn’t a bad thing to do, it was a hard thing to do, but a responsible thing to do. This doesn’t mean you can’t try again when and if the time is right.
I keep telling myself that and I start to believe it, then something happens and I am right back to feeling like a massive sack of shit again. I love animals, I’d do anything to help any animal. I feel like I failed those ones, but if I had have kept them around – I would have been failing them AND my cats. I guess part of me is really pissed off cos I was so naive – I thought they’d fit right in – and I feel guilty I didn’t think about that more. I’m also annoyed the rehoming knew they weren’t cat tested but thought they’d be ok too as they usually are. I’m upset and annoyed at myself mostly tho.
This whole thing has thrown my life into complete disarray, it’s crazy. My diets gone out the window, I haven’t even looked at my homework when my exam is in a few months and all coursework has to be in in a month or so, I’ve stopped eating, eaten too much, had no sleep, slept all the time – it’s been such a rollercoaster. I feel like a burden to most, then I feel lonely and think maybe if I just disappeared from everywhere then peoples lives would be much better without me prattling on, like just delete all my social media stuff, get a train somewhere far away and just let ppl have good lives without me in it.. and that scares me and makes me sad because I know that’s not right.
Everyone I have spoken to has been nothing short of kind and amazing, yet here I am still worrying ppl think I’m a terrible person and I should be ashamed.
So no, I don’t like to use the term “mental health” but that is what it is, and that is what I am having a problem with right now. BUT YAY, lost 2.5lbs.
People have asked me to please concentrate on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, because they are far more important and outweigh the other, that I am a wonderful, kind, funny, caring person. I wish I felt that!
What I wouldn’t give for a time machine, huh?
I can’t say that’s totally true for me, if you know me or you’ve been keeping up with my blog you know its been a very mixed emotion month or so, but as a good friend said to me, yes you’ll feel down, but the periods that you don’t will get longer and longer.
I can’t help but think about the whole dog adoption trial failure debarcle over and over, even though many have said it’s done, it can’t be undone, you tried your best and ALL animals are safe, happy and settled, so you did the absolute right thing – it still makes me cry all the time. I know there is nothing stopping me in the future to provide a rescue dog with a home and maybe that will heal the pain caused by this, but I also am not naive enough to know that it will be a long process, making sure the cats are ok with dogs, making sure the dog is ok with cats, making sure we get the absolute right fight for our household – so all is not lost forever, just this time it wasn’t supposed to be.
Pretty sure all my friends are sick of listening to me whinge on about it, although they’ve all been so great to me, and I love them for it.
Anyway, I need to try and get out of this funk and I am not sure how – I need to start exercising again, I need to get back on dieting again – I need to get out of this low slump that I can’t seem to manage. But I know my mental health and my actual health are on a downward spiral right now and I need to sort that – I need to stop feeling like a horrible person, like a failure – yes something failed but not for the want of making it work, not with all the best intentions – I tried to give rescue dogs a home a home with rescue cats and was naive enough to think as they were the same breed as our old dog they’d be ok, and I was wrong – that doesn’t mean I am a horrible person, I didn’t dump them on the street or even in a kennel, they went back to a warm house which they were previously fostered in and are beyond loved and are happier there. Stop beating myself up – that is what I need to do.
That being said, a friend of mine donated us two Musk Turtles, as after having a child and moving into a smaller flat really needed the room they took up – so now we have two turtles too, they’re cute and they are going in my eldest daughters room, my girls are happy with them and although yes we have cats, they are in a lidded tank and the cats won’t be able to get to them – but it’s given me something new to worry about!
Ugh, someone slap me and make me sort my damn life out please. I just hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a terrible person because I try so so hard to be the best I can, and I do anything and everything for anyone and everyone – I am a people pleaser, and I feel that is my biggest failure here.
I am stressed, one of two things happens when I feel this way – I either eat for England, or I barely eat at all, neither of which are good for me! – I have stuff going on in my RL (don’t we all!) and I have stuff going on at work (again – don’t we all!). Not many people that read this blog really truly know me, but I feel I am super shy, painfully shy.. until I get to know you and I am comfortable – that being said, I have to deal with people I do not know each and every day and everyone says how confident I come across, bold, chatty, helpful… I just don’t feel it. I feel I am a people person, but then I am not. I feel like I am a bit of a paradox. ANYHOO, I have been asked (and I really didn’t feel I could say no) to join a Working Group at work about some Survey Results (I work in Academia) and I am bricking it! I read through what we have to do – me and the other volunteer – a really nice chap, but I don’t know him very well, seems confident and chatty tho – and I am SCURRED! We have to meet with our individual groups within our department which isn’t so bad, I know these people, even if only a smidge, but then.. THEN.. we have to go to a meeting with ALL the other departments and share our findings. OH MY GOD NO. THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!
I hate hate hate hate HATE standing up in groups and talking if I don’t know people, I tend to use sarcasm and humour to deflect looking like a raging idiot, but that isn’t going to cut it with these lot. I am not confident and although I am happy I got asked to do this, as they obviously are keen for me to be involved, I kinda want to say “nooothx, can’t do this bai” and run and hide. Man, why didn’t I say no!?
Anyway this is causing me to feel like I can’t eat, because my stomach is doing it’s washing machine impression in the BAD WAY. I couldn’t even manage my normal routine of a cup of tea and a banana this morning, not for work reasons tho, I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep, and I only went to bed at midnight, so I got about 3.5hrs sleep and I am SO FRIGGIN TIRED!
Oh my days, this is a Monday and a HALF.
And it’s weigh in day tomorrow – keep it together, Heather – keep it together.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed with life. I am now sticking to my personal plan (or trying to) and I am struggling a little with my macros. I have been told that to just try my best to stick to them, but I am finding it hard at times! High Carb days leave me feeling SOOOO bloated and gross, and tired. But I haven’t been sleeping well either so I need to sort that out. I love high protein days though – however, I do struggle to eat 150g of protein a day while keeping my carbs at 100, so high carb days do have an upside, although then it’s a low fat day! I have digits flying through my brain! I am also sticking to my work outs, they aren’t massive or huge but I feel like I am doing something, and sticking to my 7k minimum steps a day too – still need to drink more water though – swings and roundabouts.
I did, however, lost 2.6lbs last week, so I was dead chuffed!
The other things overwhelming me is that I seem to have chosen to do a bunch of things at the same time, and my time management is shocking. I have started to retake my Maths GCSE, I am doing the dieting/working out, I am trying to keep on top of the house work etc and sort the clutter out, and I am also learning new things at work but also considering my future and where I could go/what I can do. That’s all on top of relationships and organising a hen party and trying to fit into a dress for a wedding (not mine, boo) – I feel a little head explodey! I need to schedule times for things and stick to it.
Mon/Tues I struggle – I work until 5 and then my youngest has a club on the Tues until 6.30, so I barely touch the ground at home until 7pm, and Tues is a high protein day so I just tend to ram meat in my mouth (if you know what I mean – hurr) and Mondays I have to collect her from my mums after work and because I now walk everywhere it takes longer and then I get home and the house is a mess and there are teens lounging around in it drinking all my fizzy vimto and cooking scrambled eggs in every bowl in the house in the microwave and I just feel like I want to lose my shit!
Nobody really does a thing in the house but me – fair enough there are other jobs and schools and study to take into consideration, but I am not just a housewife, I work, I am trying to study myself, I am trying to get fit and healthy and do a billion things at once and I am not superwoman. Needless to say I lose the plot fairly often, but I don’t want to. SCHEDULE AND PLAN! That is what I must do.
Maybe the slow cooker needs to come out on a Mon/Tues, or a quick dinner like Jacket Spuds at the ready, or maybe the teen can show some initiative and try cooking (probably not tho – eh). Weds/Thurs/Fri I don’t feel so bad, I only work half a day Weds, but I tend to go home, relax and then it’s school pick up time. Thurs/Fri the last few weeks I’ve tried to be social, meet friends, do things.. I need to not do that so often I think – spend some quiet time studying or cleaning the house – but UGH.. the lure of toddlers and babies and friends and lunches are too much!
I’m also broke, permanently. But.. I do have a 4 day trip to Paris planned with a girlfriend, so I am looking forward to that in August.
ANYWAY. THATS MY LIFE. BAI.