I did it last week..

I did it last week..

I lost 2.5lbs – so chuffed with myself – then I had a drink at the weekend and spent all day yesterday recovering and eating all the things – I think I did a record of three fast food meals in one day – ugh.    Drinking didn’t make me feel better – only worse. GOOD JOB SELF!  It was for birthday celebrations tho, so I guess that’s ok.

A lot of people always ask me how I am feeling now, I think it’s what you do when people are down, and the truth is always “struggling”.  I am trying to move on and get past all the stuff, I feel ridiculous at times for feeling the way I do over something so trivial to others.  But I guess there is always someone with a bigger issue, it’s all relative isn’t it.. to yourself I mean.

I am probably boring the socks off anyone that reads this, but I need to write it down and get it out,  and this is my blog so I figure its a good a place as any.  Although I recently joined an online mental health forum and they are such a lovely bunch, and I don’t feel as much of a burden on my friends either. win win.

I feel a bit weird using the term “mental health” when describing what I am going through,  I have struggled for years with feelings, anxiety, feeling down, useless, sad.. but I have never really done much about it, on the outside everyone says I am so cheery (well in a morbid way :D) and seem so with it, my friend was really surprised when I said I was looking to get help, not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I keep chanting to myself – girl, you tried to invite two unknown rescue animals into your home, with the best of intentions,  one of them did not get along with your existing pets, and one of your existing pets did not get along back – it didn’t work out – you didn’t abandon them, you took them back to a warm, safe home where they will spend out the rest of their days – for the safety of all the animals – and that wasn’t a bad thing to do, it was a hard thing to do, but a responsible thing to do.   This doesn’t mean you can’t try again when and if the time is right.

I keep telling myself that and I start to believe it, then something happens and I am right back to feeling like a massive sack of shit again.  I love animals, I’d do anything to help any animal.  I feel like I failed those ones, but if I had have kept them around – I would have been failing them AND my cats.   I guess part of me is really pissed off cos I was so naive – I thought they’d fit right in – and I feel guilty I didn’t think about that more.    I’m also annoyed the rehoming knew they weren’t cat tested but thought they’d be ok too as they usually are.   I’m upset and annoyed at myself mostly tho.

This whole thing has thrown my life into complete disarray, it’s crazy.  My diets gone out the window, I haven’t even looked at my homework when my exam is in a few months and all coursework has to be in in a month or so, I’ve stopped eating, eaten too much, had no sleep, slept all the time – it’s been such a rollercoaster.   I feel like a burden to most, then I feel lonely and think maybe if I just disappeared from everywhere then peoples lives would be much better without me prattling on, like just delete all my social media stuff, get a train somewhere far away and just let ppl have good lives without me in it.. and that scares me and makes me sad because I know that’s not right.

Everyone I have spoken to has been nothing short of kind and amazing, yet here I am still worrying ppl think I’m a terrible person and I should be ashamed.

So no, I don’t like to use the term “mental health” but that is what it is, and that is what I am having a problem with right now.  BUT YAY, lost 2.5lbs.

People have asked me to please concentrate on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, because they are far more important and outweigh the other, that I am a wonderful, kind, funny, caring person.  I wish I felt that!

What I wouldn’t give for a time machine, huh?

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

I can’t say that’s totally true for me, if you know me or you’ve been keeping up with my blog you know its been a very mixed emotion month or so, but as a good friend said to me, yes you’ll feel down, but the periods that you don’t will get longer and longer.

I can’t help but think about the whole dog adoption trial failure debarcle over and over, even though many have said it’s done, it can’t be undone, you tried your best and ALL animals are safe, happy and settled, so you did the absolute right thing – it still makes me cry all the time.   I know there is nothing stopping me in the future to provide a rescue dog with a home and maybe that will heal the pain caused by this, but I also am not naive enough to know that it will be a long process, making sure the cats are ok with dogs, making sure the dog is ok with cats, making sure we get the absolute right fight for our household – so all is not lost forever, just this time it wasn’t supposed to be.

Pretty sure all my friends are sick of listening to me whinge on about it, although they’ve all been so great to me, and I love them for it.

Anyway, I need to try and get out of this funk and I am not sure how – I need to start exercising again, I need to get back on dieting again –  I need to get out of this low slump that I can’t seem to manage.   But I know my mental health and my actual health are on a downward spiral right now and I need to sort that – I need to stop feeling like a horrible person, like a failure – yes something failed but not for the want of making it work, not with all the best intentions – I tried to give rescue dogs a home a home with rescue cats and was naive enough to think as they were the same breed as our old dog they’d be ok,  and I was wrong – that doesn’t mean I am a horrible person, I didn’t dump them on the street or even in a kennel, they went back to a warm house which they were previously fostered in and are beyond loved and are happier there.   Stop beating myself up – that is what I need to do.

That being said, a friend of mine donated us two Musk Turtles, as after having a child and moving into a smaller flat really needed the room they took up – so now we have two turtles too, they’re cute and they are going in my eldest daughters room, my girls are happy with them and although yes we have cats, they are in a lidded tank and the cats won’t be able to get to them – but it’s given me something new to worry about!

Ugh, someone slap me and make me sort my damn life out please.  I just hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a terrible person because I try so so hard to be the best I can, and I do anything and everything for anyone and everyone – I am a people pleaser, and I feel that is my biggest failure here.

Hrrmmm

Hrrmmm

Well, I am still here – still struggling in SO many ways.

I’ve managed to put on 7lbs in the last 4 weeks – oh well – I can lose that again I know that, I am not going to lose that much sleep over it, although I am a bit disappointed in myself.  Not the end of the world tho, back to overnight oats, salad in jars and a chicken/bacon pasta until it comes out of my eyeballs.

Things are tootling along in the background, not much of it I can go into right now, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can prattle on about that!

Other than that I’m still very emotional, I think it’s only since the whole debarcle with the two lovely girl pugs and it all being so stressful that it has really hit me to grieve for Mr Tom.   I just got on with it, I didn’t spend endless weeks moping about, I missed him but I kept it to a minimum outwardly.  But since the failed adoption trial with them I have been a wreck, hardly sleeping, over eating (or not at all, then eating enough for four), feeling sick and generally shitty, crying all the time randomly and just breaking down at really inopportune times.  YAY!  I have shut myself away from reality really,  this is the first time in weeks I’ve been on my laptop, although obvs I’ve been on my phone – you know, can’t live without technology!   I’ve found solace in dumb phone games, watching more movies, reading more books, and geeking out with my kids with card and dice games, and it’s been really nice.

Those who know me know I am not overly social in RL, I love to go out and BE social, but only with those I am comfy with, and my best friends mainly live inside my PC scattered around the country/globe.   I have missed them, but I haven’t felt that it’s ok to go onto social media and be chirpy or integrate with people, because I have felt ashamed and like I should sit in a corner and just think about what I’ve done until I die, pretty much.

I have kinda lost the plot big time with my feelings although to be honest it was about time for a proper meltdown.    So I had a do adoption trial that didn’t work out because the dogs (well one of them) was not a cat fan, and the cats (again one of the little buggers) was also not a fan of this said dog – it happens, I didn’t abandon them in a shelter or in a field, they went back to a home where they were safe, loved and happy (I could tell that when I dropped them off and they ran around playing carefree without wading into a cat fight) – I feel like I failed but in reality it was animal personalities clashing – I guess I spent so long trawling the internet and reading the opinions of ppl saying it needs more time, try feliway, do this, do that (for the record I have feliway out the wazoo), oh god ppl that give up on pets are awful and deserve hell – that I bought into it and feel like I am not worthy of anything.  These people weren’t living in the situation I was and if I could have kept the dogs/cats separate at ALL times and I was a stay at home person then maybe I could have lasted longer, but these spats happened in front of me and my kids constantly, it wasn’t fun to watch, and you can’t surely live in a house where pets are always kept away from each other or ones are locked away – what is the point in that?  But I read all the shitty comments on other ppls posts and felt they were aimed at me – batshit much?  Bear in mind these were ppl that were giving their dogs up for a variety of reasons – after YEARS – not people that had failed adoption trials.   There were the odd nice commenters who understood it wasn’t an easy choice for the person to make and pointed out the welfare of the dogs should be first, not the stigma of rehoming an animal being an awful thing to do – not always is that the case – but none the less the internet left me feeling like a shitty person in a world full of people that were willing to “try harder”.  I am not naive enough to believe if I am in full capacity of my wits that that is even remotely true – everyones story is different,  we can judge and point and say we can do better – but we aren’t living in those shoes.

My friend asked me if I thought putting things out on FB or in the open was the wisest thing, but I guess its what I do – not my entire business but I do just tend to waffle, just to get it out – and yeah I could do that privately,  I guess I seek the comfort of friends when I am feeling down, although I am aware that I can do that privately, so I’ve been thinking about social media too, and how many ppl I have that probably couldn’t give two shits about whats going on in my life and probably don’t even give my shit the time of day – yet there I am putting it all out there, seems a bit silly!  (a bit like this post I think, but its my personal blog and only the ppl I share the link with or will find it by some weird miracle will read it, so thats ok :P) – I don’t know if it’s just because I’m actually in a really low place or I am just trying to find myself, but I find myself less and less drawn to being online – that happens now and then tho, so no drastic deleting of accounts or leaving games/online words – just stepping back and letting life take its course however it happens.

Yet here I still am, stressing about anything and everything, anxiety through the roof about the smallest of things, things that probably don’t even matter – no1currrs.  Doesn’t stop me wanting to vomit 24/7 or want to just drive somewhere and set up a whole new life to mess up.  DRAMATIC OR WHAT?   Yeah, I don’t do things by halves.

Just when I think it’s ok I go down a bit again, but I know I don’t have it that bad, I should be thankful for what I do have, and I am.  I am thankful for my friends who have listened to me and not killed me, my family for being there for me, anyone and everyone that has hugged me or sent me a nice message or words of support when I have felt that I have deserved none of it, and should probably just be shot in the face on sight.

I have a lot to be happy for, and thankful for and I know I will get there, it’s a bit like 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that’s still getting a little further each time.

I wish I wasn’t feeling like a complete hopeless nutcase who doesn’t deserve anything, because it doesn’t feel like its much like me at all, and I miss feeling more like me.

WOOT WOOT!

WOOT WOOT!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Considering I was panicing (again) about the fact I went to the pub on Sunday and ate my weight in waffle and brownie calzone I am OVER THE MOON!!!   It is SUCH a good feeling to know you can have a good time and still pull it right on back.  I have also started running again, I took a week off – I was tired and ratty and I have discovered in life, if nothing else, it pays to step back if you are not enjoying something and start it again when you feel better – back on the treadmill Monday and LOVED IT.  That much that I signed up and the eldest up for the Colour Run next June! MADNESS!!  But by that time I hope to be able to run 5k without dying,  it is a surprise on the C25k (yeah I dropped the 10k one I was pushing there tbh) when you go from walking/jogging in repetitions of 90 seconds and on week three BOOM 90 jogging, 90 walking, THREE MINUTES jogging, three minutes walking – twice.  THREE MINUTES!

Probably loads of fit ppl reading this going HA! THREE MINUTES! but for a flabby girl with bad knees and a hate for moving faster than 4km an hour unless there is a cake dangling from a string, its TOUGH. But I did it, I  reached out twice to knock it down from 6kmph but I didn’t, I did the full 3 minutes twice without giving in.

So to me, that is a gold star and a HALF!  So last night was a really nice surprise to top off a really stressful day, really nice!

I have been trying to sleep better too, I have got into a pattern of bed between 12-1am and up again between 6-7am and it was killing me, I’ve been in bed by 11pm the last few nights,  and not waking til 7am and slowly I am feeling more human, so sleep definitely is not for the weak, it’s for the sensible.  Although I do fear I am becoming a nan – I have a new found love of beetroot,  cardigans and the urge to learn crochet.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

Oh Monday!

Oh Monday!

It’s Monday – I hate Monday.  I know it’s not uncommon to give the poor day more flack than it should get but its always that feeling of just getting to sleep – especially in the colder weather – and getting snuggled up and warm and BLAMMO – MONDAY!  RIGHT IN THE FACE.

This Monday was harder because I told myself that I am always so shattered on a Monday night after a long day at work, picking up my youngest  from my parents house, then getting home between 6-6.30 (yes I know, not all that long shhhh) and THEN having to make dinner -that I should get up earlier on a Monday and whack something in the slow cooker!  I did this last week, I made a Curry – I think I put too much water in it, oopsy.   So anyway there I was this morning chopping carrots and chicken and herbing up some potatoes and onions and carefully making sure I wasn’t adding too much water, yawning like a trooper.  It better not a) burn the house down (always a worry) or b) taste like crap or I will cry!!!

I am not feeling it today, none of it.  I haven’t had breakfast yet because I cannot eat early in the morning, it just makes me feel ill, so I tend to eat at work around 10am on my break – but today I spent my breaktime at a colleagues desk talking about dogs.  OH DEAR – now my tummy is rumbling, so I am holding on til lunch when I will just shovel everything in my packed lunch bag down my throat (well not the Mug Shot – that’ll be hot).

The cold weather has sent me a bit loopy with food and it’s so anger enducing that I cannot get it together.  I spent the week being good then spent Sunday in a pub for a training shift (discounted food woot!) shovelling all I could into my face, including a Dessert Calzone that must have been about 2000 calories (it was stuffed with waffles, brownies and chocolate sauce ffs) – I didn’t eat all of it, that would have been madness!

But here I am this morning after a reasonably early (for me) night at 11.15pm yawning my goddamn head off crying onto my work paperwork because I can’t get a grip on anything in life right now!  My anxiety has gone through the roof with some stuff going on in RL, I can’t get a grip on food and I am just so effin’ tired!  I am also really fed up of ppl saying “well just don’t worry about it” I don’t have the anxiety that comes out of a cracker, I do have medication to stop me being such a tit – it’s an actual thing, not just me worrying for the sake of it – if I could just stop it,  I would!   Like ok if you don’t want to listen to my anxiety rambling then that’s fair enough,tell me to can it – but do NOT tell me to just carry on or shrug at me and say “well idk why you are worrying” – COS I CAN’T HELP IT!  So frustrating!!   So then I worry about that, that I am being a bother, or maybe I could just stop worrying – wouldn’t life be sweet if we just stopped worrying about stuff we couldn’t control – I remember when I was able to do that without the crippling anxiety feelings weighing me down.

This isn’t a pity me thing, I know I am a tit, I know only I can change it, but sometimes the complete lack of empathy or even time people with give people with anxiety is really saddening – it’s not something anyone likes or wants, it’s not something they can just switch off  – if you can then that’s great,  I think I speak for most ppl with anxiety issues that we envy the ever loving fuck out of you – but we aren’t all wired that way.

AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

😦

Stressed.

Stressed.

I am stressed, one of two things happens when I feel this way – I either eat for England, or I barely eat at all, neither of which are good for me!  – I have stuff going on in my RL (don’t we all!) and I have stuff going on at work (again – don’t we all!).  Not many people that read this blog really truly know me, but I feel I am super shy, painfully shy.. until I get to know you and I am comfortable – that being said, I have to deal with people I do not know each and every day and everyone says how confident I come across, bold, chatty, helpful… I just don’t feel it.  I feel I am a people person, but then I am not.  I feel like I am a bit of a paradox.  ANYHOO, I have been asked (and I really didn’t feel I could say no) to join a Working Group at work about some Survey Results (I work in Academia) and I am bricking it!   I read through what we have to do – me and the other volunteer – a really nice chap, but I don’t know him very well, seems confident and chatty tho – and I am SCURRED!   We have to meet with our individual groups within our department which isn’t so bad, I know these people, even if only a smidge, but then.. THEN.. we have to go to a meeting with ALL the other departments and share our findings. OH MY GOD NO. THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

I hate hate hate hate HATE standing up in groups and talking if I don’t know people, I tend to use sarcasm and humour to deflect looking like a raging idiot, but that isn’t going to cut it with these lot.  I am not confident and although I am happy I got asked to do this, as they obviously are keen for me to be involved, I kinda want to say “nooothx, can’t do this bai” and run and hide. Man, why didn’t I say no!?

Anyway this is causing me to feel like I can’t eat, because my stomach is doing it’s washing machine impression in the BAD WAY.  I couldn’t even manage my normal routine of a cup of tea and a banana this morning, not for work reasons tho, I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep, and I only went to bed at midnight, so I got about 3.5hrs sleep and I am SO FRIGGIN TIRED!

Oh my days, this is a Monday and a HALF.

And it’s weigh in day tomorrow – keep it together, Heather – keep it together.