It’s Monday – I hate Monday. I know it’s not uncommon to give the poor day more flack than it should get but its always that feeling of just getting to sleep – especially in the colder weather – and getting snuggled up and warm and BLAMMO – MONDAY! RIGHT IN THE FACE.
This Monday was harder because I told myself that I am always so shattered on a Monday night after a long day at work, picking up my youngest from my parents house, then getting home between 6-6.30 (yes I know, not all that long shhhh) and THEN having to make dinner -that I should get up earlier on a Monday and whack something in the slow cooker! I did this last week, I made a Curry – I think I put too much water in it, oopsy. So anyway there I was this morning chopping carrots and chicken and herbing up some potatoes and onions and carefully making sure I wasn’t adding too much water, yawning like a trooper. It better not a) burn the house down (always a worry) or b) taste like crap or I will cry!!!
I am not feeling it today, none of it. I haven’t had breakfast yet because I cannot eat early in the morning, it just makes me feel ill, so I tend to eat at work around 10am on my break – but today I spent my breaktime at a colleagues desk talking about dogs. OH DEAR – now my tummy is rumbling, so I am holding on til lunch when I will just shovel everything in my packed lunch bag down my throat (well not the Mug Shot – that’ll be hot).
The cold weather has sent me a bit loopy with food and it’s so anger enducing that I cannot get it together. I spent the week being good then spent Sunday in a pub for a training shift (discounted food woot!) shovelling all I could into my face, including a Dessert Calzone that must have been about 2000 calories (it was stuffed with waffles, brownies and chocolate sauce ffs) – I didn’t eat all of it, that would have been madness!
But here I am this morning after a reasonably early (for me) night at 11.15pm yawning my goddamn head off crying onto my work paperwork because I can’t get a grip on anything in life right now! My anxiety has gone through the roof with some stuff going on in RL, I can’t get a grip on food and I am just so effin’ tired! I am also really fed up of ppl saying “well just don’t worry about it” I don’t have the anxiety that comes out of a cracker, I do have medication to stop me being such a tit – it’s an actual thing, not just me worrying for the sake of it – if I could just stop it, I would! Like ok if you don’t want to listen to my anxiety rambling then that’s fair enough,tell me to can it – but do NOT tell me to just carry on or shrug at me and say “well idk why you are worrying” – COS I CAN’T HELP IT! So frustrating!! So then I worry about that, that I am being a bother, or maybe I could just stop worrying – wouldn’t life be sweet if we just stopped worrying about stuff we couldn’t control – I remember when I was able to do that without the crippling anxiety feelings weighing me down.
This isn’t a pity me thing, I know I am a tit, I know only I can change it, but sometimes the complete lack of empathy or even time people with give people with anxiety is really saddening – it’s not something anyone likes or wants, it’s not something they can just switch off – if you can then that’s great, I think I speak for most ppl with anxiety issues that we envy the ever loving fuck out of you – but we aren’t all wired that way.
AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.