Oh Monday!

Oh Monday!

It’s Monday – I hate Monday.  I know it’s not uncommon to give the poor day more flack than it should get but its always that feeling of just getting to sleep – especially in the colder weather – and getting snuggled up and warm and BLAMMO – MONDAY!  RIGHT IN THE FACE.

This Monday was harder because I told myself that I am always so shattered on a Monday night after a long day at work, picking up my youngest  from my parents house, then getting home between 6-6.30 (yes I know, not all that long shhhh) and THEN having to make dinner -that I should get up earlier on a Monday and whack something in the slow cooker!  I did this last week, I made a Curry – I think I put too much water in it, oopsy.   So anyway there I was this morning chopping carrots and chicken and herbing up some potatoes and onions and carefully making sure I wasn’t adding too much water, yawning like a trooper.  It better not a) burn the house down (always a worry) or b) taste like crap or I will cry!!!

I am not feeling it today, none of it.  I haven’t had breakfast yet because I cannot eat early in the morning, it just makes me feel ill, so I tend to eat at work around 10am on my break – but today I spent my breaktime at a colleagues desk talking about dogs.  OH DEAR – now my tummy is rumbling, so I am holding on til lunch when I will just shovel everything in my packed lunch bag down my throat (well not the Mug Shot – that’ll be hot).

The cold weather has sent me a bit loopy with food and it’s so anger enducing that I cannot get it together.  I spent the week being good then spent Sunday in a pub for a training shift (discounted food woot!) shovelling all I could into my face, including a Dessert Calzone that must have been about 2000 calories (it was stuffed with waffles, brownies and chocolate sauce ffs) – I didn’t eat all of it, that would have been madness!

But here I am this morning after a reasonably early (for me) night at 11.15pm yawning my goddamn head off crying onto my work paperwork because I can’t get a grip on anything in life right now!  My anxiety has gone through the roof with some stuff going on in RL, I can’t get a grip on food and I am just so effin’ tired!  I am also really fed up of ppl saying “well just don’t worry about it” I don’t have the anxiety that comes out of a cracker, I do have medication to stop me being such a tit – it’s an actual thing, not just me worrying for the sake of it – if I could just stop it,  I would!   Like ok if you don’t want to listen to my anxiety rambling then that’s fair enough,tell me to can it – but do NOT tell me to just carry on or shrug at me and say “well idk why you are worrying” – COS I CAN’T HELP IT!  So frustrating!!   So then I worry about that, that I am being a bother, or maybe I could just stop worrying – wouldn’t life be sweet if we just stopped worrying about stuff we couldn’t control – I remember when I was able to do that without the crippling anxiety feelings weighing me down.

This isn’t a pity me thing, I know I am a tit, I know only I can change it, but sometimes the complete lack of empathy or even time people with give people with anxiety is really saddening – it’s not something anyone likes or wants, it’s not something they can just switch off  – if you can then that’s great,  I think I speak for most ppl with anxiety issues that we envy the ever loving fuck out of you – but we aren’t all wired that way.

AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

😦

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WELL!

WELL!

Well!  A little gain, but I am ok with it!

Yep, but some absolute miracle I only gained 0.5lbs!  Not too shabby, and I didn’t do my entire C210K last week either because I wasn’t feeling so hot, so I guess maybe if I had have done that as normal I may have had a maintain.  Weird to think of being chuffed about a gain, but I am not chuffed I gained, I am happy to have not gained MORE!

Back on it like a car bonnet this am, although I do need to mix it up a bit, I am getting bored with the same old food all the time, so I have to look up some recipes, get some new ideas, sort out my life so I have time to fit in all the things I want to do, it’ll be ok!

YAY!

CHRISTMAS!

CHRISTMAS!

HOHOHO! I love Christmas!   I am not one to overindulge in chocolates (hahaha yes I am! – although I prefer to stack them, just ask my friends, it’s nigh on impossible to stack those sodding purple ones!), I don’t like Christmas Cake or Pudding, and I only really took to Minces Pies in the last 2 years and I can still take them or leave them, but I AM a sucker for Christmas Dinner.  GOOD NEWS THO!  On SW most of Christmas Dinner is FREE (if cooked right) and I am soo so sosososososo looking forward to mine this year.

It does, however, mean… SOCIAL NIGHTMARES.   I have invites to 2 work meals as of now, one I have declined and the other I am organising.  I chose us a nice rural pub setting with an abundance of choices on the menu and as of 10 minutes ago I have chosen to have a Salmon and Prawn Roulade for Starter, followed by Traditional Turkey for Main!  I have avoided choosing or opting to have a pudding so far, none of them really tickle my fancy and I am, right now, in the spirit of behaving.

I am on a health kick at the minute and drinking isn’t on my radar – for a few reasons really. 1) I don’t like getting drunk and feeling like a complete prat 2) it’s not good for you on this diet, moderation is definitely key and I am happy with one tipple, then on to soft drinks, if I must! 3) it’s expensive, and I have better things I can be buying 4) I think I’m over the drinking phase of my life – special occasions yes!  day to day drinking? not so much.

That being said I am looking forward to a weekend away soon with my friends!  Bumder-day is approaching and usually we end up with some babybels and a bottle of Port of which I drink a pint of, as it’s the traditional Christmas challenge! (by tradition, I mean ours and by ours I mean mostly mine – Lolly did it twice but I think shes not allowed any more, and doesn’t want to die or lose her liver – BAH!) and I am going to enjoy myself immensely! I am going to be sensible tho.

Drinking hasn’t proved a problem for me so far, I haven’t missed it, I feel better for it, I am better off money wise, and when I have been in the situation to drink I’ve gone for a vodka and diet coke, no bloaty beer or sugar laden alchopops, and wine just turns me into a nutter, or a asleep… swings and roundabouts.

I bet I sound like a right bore now!  But I am so motivated, I am tired and I am weary and I have a lot of stuff going on in my personal life that I want to smack myself in the head for, but I am in control of this and I feel good for making plans to continue, and after the small victory of no gain last night, I needed to pat myself on the back a bit, so thought i’d write it down!

Update.. HI!

Update.. HI!

Hello!

It’s been a while, nothings changed, well actually I am 2lb lighter, or I was until I ruined it all with Pizza over the weekend, but ho hum!

I am still fighting the good fight,  and losing.  If someone would have said to me, you’ll hit 35 and losing weight becomes SO FU**ING HARD, I would have laughed, but I am seriously beginning to wonder if that is the case.  I have now tried literally everything (ok not everything) and I am STILL struggling.  I see success stories and inspirational stories and I know, I KNOW this is all down to me, but I am struggling so hard with juggling so many friggin balls that I just feel like I am swamped and they are all raining down on me!

I have to, and I mean HAVE TO start eating more veg, and meat and proper meals, not just snacks here and there, I need to make sure my protein is above 100,  I feel so much better when it is, and I know that carbs are NOT my friend in huge quantities, last week I had a day eating almost nothing but carbs and boy oh boy was I sluggish the next day!

I have taken on quite a Slimming World approach to it really, in my head, seeing lean meats as free, veg and fruit to an extent and trying to eat better carbs, but it’s so not easy!

I think I struggle without someone there to rally me on, at meetings I always felt a sense of achievement losing weight, just like with me studying for my GCSE now,  it’s online with a Tutor at the end of the phone/email but I would find it far easier following direction from someone in front of me than I am reading a sodding book.

God I need things to change, I just can’t seem to shake myself up! 😦  Hints or tips appreciated and welcomed, please!

Sup, Nuggets.

Sup, Nuggets.

HI!

It’s been a loooooong week.  I’ve taken on some nutritional/exercise advice from someone who knows, like REALLY knows.  So this week I dubiously upped my calories and added way more protein than I was used to eating, on their advice.  I say dubious because I panic when calories go up that I am going to go up with them, even though I keep reading EVERYWHERE sometimes less isn’t more, sometimes more means best.  So I did, not by a huge amount, an amount I was comfy with.. and I am happy to say I lost 5.5lbs this week! (I did weigh naked, so give or take 1lb for my dress I normally wear when I get weighed in public).   I’m happy! I didn’t eat LOADS, but I did make sure my protein was up, my fat didn’t go over and I still had carbs, albeit probably a little less than I am used to, but still sensible amounts.  I don’t want to cut anything out, I want something sustainable.

I feel stuffed all the time though, which is hard going, I do not do well with feeling full, it makes me feel a little sick, but I think it’s all about balancing, not stuffing and stuffing in one meal, little and often.

Still, its a nice dent in my weight and I hope this week I can follow it up with 1 or 2lbs to match!

YAY!

I am on MFP as willowzee, also on fitbit as willowzee, and shockingly, on instagram as heatherfev21 if anybody feels like following or wants to be friends.

ATTN: LOST WAGON

ATTN: LOST WAGON

I appear to have fallen off mine and lost it!

Well technically that isn’t true, I am still on it, but I decided to quit WW.  I have spent over £90 so far and lost approx 4lbs.  It just isn’t for me this time, for whatever reason.  I have been speaking to someone that has lost a bunch of weight and he’s advising me at the minute, so I’ll give THAT a shot.  So far it looks like I have to exercise more (BOO) and eat wayy more calories and protein (YAYY but maybe BOOOO).

Anything at this point is worth a shot!   I didn’t do much exercise last week – mainly because I was in so much agony.  I had a bout of Torticullis – and got put on cocodamol and diclofenac and I could barely move for a few days, but I am feeling a lot better and today I have started walking again.

So that’s about it really, I do feel like giving up, but I won’t – I’ll just try another way.  Who doesn’t want to stuff their face full of protein?! And to be honest last time I exercised more I know I felt better  for it AND saw changes – so.. here we go again.