Good lord let me sleep.

Good lord let me sleep.

Sleep – you either get it or you don’t. At the moment I am not getting much at all. Raphael (my trainer – remember him!?) keeps telling me I need a siesta! I really struggle to nap in the day though, I always wake up feeling worse than I did before and who wants that?

I have never been a brilliant sleeper. Sometimes I need less, sometimes I need more – but I know I am constantly exhausted no matter how much I get! I have had blood tests and this test and that test and there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong. I’ve tried listening to music, reading, watching TV, not watching TV, listening to audiobooks, an eye mask, blinds open, blinds closed, different pillows, making the cats not sleep on my head and MORE!

Some days I am so overwhelmingly tired it’s ridiculous, other days I can seem to thrive on a few hours. I always, ALWAYS get a second wind about 7pm (handy as I play games online most evenings from 8ish :D).

I’m also a really light sleeper so any noises usually wake me up, unfortunately they disturb my dog too who then acts like someone is trying to break in and murder us all – he also doesn’t respond to me telling him to stop so that’s fun!

Some people have suggested sleeping tablets and I have tried the herbal ones but that isn’t something I really want to start. Maybe I am just trying to do all the things and my body is like nope, stop being so ridiculous. It does sound like something my body would do, most definitely.

What are your top tips for sleep? I am considering a really heavy rubber mallet.

Hello, world.

Hello, world.

Hello, it’s a me – Heather.

I haven’t been here for some time, I have been slacking – or not slacking and doing other things if I am honest with myself, but I feel the urge to write again, even if just to get my thoughts down on paper.

Life is not being particularly kind right now. My dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer last year, he had an op and that was that. We then discovered it had spread to his liver and lungs. Yes – that – type of cancer. Great. Now, any type of cancer is crap, utter and complete CRAP. But anyway, he has just had an op on his liver, well not just, a month ago now and he is STILL in hospital. They took 70% of his liver and now it doesn’t work, at all.

So yes, life is pretty rough right now and I feel helpless. I am going through the motions and going to work, coming home, trying to be a good mum and honestly I am not sure I am doing well at anything but what can you do but try?

I am feeling very woe is me, I am angry at the world for choosing such an awesome person to give his horrific disease to, as I am sure many people feel about it – all the bad, horrible people in the world that do not deserve it (wouldn’t wish it on anyone) – yet the good people seem to be first in line to suffer. It’s not ok. I am not ok. HE is not ok. Nothing is ok.

I sit here writing this and I am rambling, I am tired and I am done with so much, but I can’t be – I have a job, I have kids, I have my mum and brother to think of and of course, my dad. If they are all holding it together then I must do the same, because life is not a cake walk, but GOSH is it crap!

I have had a good cry at work, I have a cold coming which is making me more woe is me than usual. But I know if I come here and just TALK, get it out, not even just this – but anything – I will hopefully feel better.