I did it last week..

I did it last week..

I lost 2.5lbs – so chuffed with myself – then I had a drink at the weekend and spent all day yesterday recovering and eating all the things – I think I did a record of three fast food meals in one day – ugh.    Drinking didn’t make me feel better – only worse. GOOD JOB SELF!  It was for birthday celebrations tho, so I guess that’s ok.

A lot of people always ask me how I am feeling now, I think it’s what you do when people are down, and the truth is always “struggling”.  I am trying to move on and get past all the stuff, I feel ridiculous at times for feeling the way I do over something so trivial to others.  But I guess there is always someone with a bigger issue, it’s all relative isn’t it.. to yourself I mean.

I am probably boring the socks off anyone that reads this, but I need to write it down and get it out,  and this is my blog so I figure its a good a place as any.  Although I recently joined an online mental health forum and they are such a lovely bunch, and I don’t feel as much of a burden on my friends either. win win.

I feel a bit weird using the term “mental health” when describing what I am going through,  I have struggled for years with feelings, anxiety, feeling down, useless, sad.. but I have never really done much about it, on the outside everyone says I am so cheery (well in a morbid way :D) and seem so with it, my friend was really surprised when I said I was looking to get help, not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I keep chanting to myself – girl, you tried to invite two unknown rescue animals into your home, with the best of intentions,  one of them did not get along with your existing pets, and one of your existing pets did not get along back – it didn’t work out – you didn’t abandon them, you took them back to a warm, safe home where they will spend out the rest of their days – for the safety of all the animals – and that wasn’t a bad thing to do, it was a hard thing to do, but a responsible thing to do.   This doesn’t mean you can’t try again when and if the time is right.

I keep telling myself that and I start to believe it, then something happens and I am right back to feeling like a massive sack of shit again.  I love animals, I’d do anything to help any animal.  I feel like I failed those ones, but if I had have kept them around – I would have been failing them AND my cats.   I guess part of me is really pissed off cos I was so naive – I thought they’d fit right in – and I feel guilty I didn’t think about that more.    I’m also annoyed the rehoming knew they weren’t cat tested but thought they’d be ok too as they usually are.   I’m upset and annoyed at myself mostly tho.

This whole thing has thrown my life into complete disarray, it’s crazy.  My diets gone out the window, I haven’t even looked at my homework when my exam is in a few months and all coursework has to be in in a month or so, I’ve stopped eating, eaten too much, had no sleep, slept all the time – it’s been such a rollercoaster.   I feel like a burden to most, then I feel lonely and think maybe if I just disappeared from everywhere then peoples lives would be much better without me prattling on, like just delete all my social media stuff, get a train somewhere far away and just let ppl have good lives without me in it.. and that scares me and makes me sad because I know that’s not right.

Everyone I have spoken to has been nothing short of kind and amazing, yet here I am still worrying ppl think I’m a terrible person and I should be ashamed.

So no, I don’t like to use the term “mental health” but that is what it is, and that is what I am having a problem with right now.  BUT YAY, lost 2.5lbs.

People have asked me to please concentrate on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, because they are far more important and outweigh the other, that I am a wonderful, kind, funny, caring person.  I wish I felt that!

What I wouldn’t give for a time machine, huh?

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

I can’t say that’s totally true for me, if you know me or you’ve been keeping up with my blog you know its been a very mixed emotion month or so, but as a good friend said to me, yes you’ll feel down, but the periods that you don’t will get longer and longer.

I can’t help but think about the whole dog adoption trial failure debarcle over and over, even though many have said it’s done, it can’t be undone, you tried your best and ALL animals are safe, happy and settled, so you did the absolute right thing – it still makes me cry all the time.   I know there is nothing stopping me in the future to provide a rescue dog with a home and maybe that will heal the pain caused by this, but I also am not naive enough to know that it will be a long process, making sure the cats are ok with dogs, making sure the dog is ok with cats, making sure we get the absolute right fight for our household – so all is not lost forever, just this time it wasn’t supposed to be.

Pretty sure all my friends are sick of listening to me whinge on about it, although they’ve all been so great to me, and I love them for it.

Anyway, I need to try and get out of this funk and I am not sure how – I need to start exercising again, I need to get back on dieting again –  I need to get out of this low slump that I can’t seem to manage.   But I know my mental health and my actual health are on a downward spiral right now and I need to sort that – I need to stop feeling like a horrible person, like a failure – yes something failed but not for the want of making it work, not with all the best intentions – I tried to give rescue dogs a home a home with rescue cats and was naive enough to think as they were the same breed as our old dog they’d be ok,  and I was wrong – that doesn’t mean I am a horrible person, I didn’t dump them on the street or even in a kennel, they went back to a warm house which they were previously fostered in and are beyond loved and are happier there.   Stop beating myself up – that is what I need to do.

That being said, a friend of mine donated us two Musk Turtles, as after having a child and moving into a smaller flat really needed the room they took up – so now we have two turtles too, they’re cute and they are going in my eldest daughters room, my girls are happy with them and although yes we have cats, they are in a lidded tank and the cats won’t be able to get to them – but it’s given me something new to worry about!

Ugh, someone slap me and make me sort my damn life out please.  I just hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a terrible person because I try so so hard to be the best I can, and I do anything and everything for anyone and everyone – I am a people pleaser, and I feel that is my biggest failure here.

It’s been a while.

It’s been a while.

Hey guys,

It’s been a while.   I have been on and off with my diet, we had a bit of an upheavel in my RL and I am being a bit of a debbie downer about it.

We had our pug, Mr Tom a few years ago, we rescued him at 8/9 years old and he was a slow, quiet, docile old thing who mostly just slept.  Adorable! Wasn’t a jumper so couldn’t get up the stairs or on the sofas, and we loved him.  Sadly he passed away a few months ago and I always said NO MORE DOGS – this is my 3rd dog heartbreak and I didn’t feel I could take it.   Also we have two cats.  One is more dominant and the other is seemingly quiet, shy and retiring who is scared of her own shadow.   They weren’t in love with the dog, but they also weren’t really bothered by him, although the more docile cat – Molly – took her fair share of swipes at him, but he bowed his head and she let it go.

2 weeks ago we were selected to adopt 2 pugs.  Mother and Daughter – Millie and Tilly – I didn’t even think twice about this, I was prepared for double costs, poops, walking etc… but what I did not count on – was the cats hating every second of it.

I bought them home and while they would all eat treats together in a ring, as soon as food was out the way all bets were off.  I thought I’d have trouble with the more dominant cat,  but she just took a swipe when the smallest dog went for her and got out of harms way – not perfect solution – but workable.  The other cat? Molly? That timid shy thing that runs from her own shadow? turned into a vicious beast.   She drew blood – several times – she hissed at their every movement,  she swatted and battled and unlike Mr Tom, they battled back.  Not Millie (5 yr old mother of 3 yr old Tilly) so much, but Tilly may not have aggressively fought back, but she defended herself, and who could blame her?

I thought this would pass, people kept saying give it time, give it time.  I booked trainer appointments, I got plug ins, eventually the cat was put on anti anxiety medication but it didn’t help, it just kept pilling on, they couldn’t walk thru the living room door without the cat attacking them, I couldn’t leave the room without ensuring either that cat or the dogs were with me, twice I had to run down the stairs straight from the toilet almost killing myself with my trousers round my ankles cos I could hear them kicking off – and with their flat faces, pugs eyes are SO vulnerable, a claw in the wrong area could set them back for life.  People suggested sectioning off areas of the house,  there is nothing I could do to stop the cats getting into any of the rooms except the bedrooms, its an open plan house, but we did start shutting the dogs into the kitchen if we were going out.   I feel like everyone is pointing and judging with the ” you didn’t try hard enough” – people haven’t as far as I know, they’ve all agreed it was the best thing for all involved, and no shame in that.

I was a bag of nerves, I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping.  While these two lovable dogs just wanted to be on my lap constantly, which was fine, as soon as they moved it was a pet war zone, I am not even exaggerating.  I hadn’t counted on this and it threw me.

Less than two weeks after we picked them up so excited I broke everyones heart and after a discussion with my vet and my girls dad, and the foster mum of the dogs, I decided they had to go back and I haven’t stopped crying since.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I offered these dogs their forever home and didn’t try hard enough to make it work.    They were not ever left alone with the cats if I was out, but I stopped going anywhere because I didn’t want them to be shut in the kitchen while I galavanted, they aren’t senior dogs that just wanted to sleep and they weren’t allowed to roam, because I feared the cat would maim them, I felt like a prisoner in my own home, even when I was in my own home and I literally sat crying all the time, about the fighting, about everything.

Reality is the longer it went on, the more aggressive and in their face the cat got unless held back.  It wasn’t constant, but it was unpredictable.   I didn’t want them to get damaged eyes and I also had to think about the welfare of my cats too.  A lot of people said “get rid of the cat?” I couldn’t do that – what kind of person would that make me? Out with the old and in with the new? Not my style.  Shes not an aggressive cat, pugs are not an aggressive breed – but these two together just wasn’t working.

I feel awful, I have broken my own heart, I am pretty sure I have broken my girls hearts.  The foster mum is a lovely LOVELY lady and I drove 200 round miles with my own mum to drop them back, I didn’t want to keep them for Christmas as that felt wrong, and I also wanted them to be out of harms way.    As soon as they were back in her home Tillys tail shot up, I hadn’t seen it up around the cats at all, only when Molly was out of the way, they ran around with the ladies dogs and they looked at home.  I don’t think i’ve ever felt so much of a failure in my life.

I know deep down they are better off, we have kept in touch and she said they are fine, settled and its like they’ve never been away. The cats, however, are still fighting amongst themselves – but I hope that will get better – they’ve only ever done that once before.  I just feel so low.

I was prepared to pay the earth – I told the charity to keep the adoption fees, I didn’t want a refund, it wasn’t about the money – I bought vaccinations for life that will carry over and all their new crates and bedding and toys went with them.  The foster mum tells me this goes to show how huge my heart is – I don’t feel like it is.

I should take it as a learning curve, I know.   Not all dogs can get on with all cats, but I’ve sat this morning looking at friends photos of their dog/cat combos and I can’t help feeling like that could have happened – but as everyone keeps pointing out, it may not have too, and with damage being done to one of the four animals that I would never forgive myself for.

I keep trying to convince myself I did the right thing for all, I am probably the one suffering the most – they are loved and happy and out of the cats claws reach, the cats are slowly coming back to normality, the kids will bounce back no doubt – but I feel like this dwelling is never ending.

It’s not as easy as just “moving on” when you feel you’ve done something wrong.  I just wish I could feel better.

Sorry just waffling here as it’s the only place I can waffle.

I didn’t give them away cos I couldn’t be arsed, or that I just got bored, they were rescue dogs, with rescue cats – where no backgrounds are really known – and I did it for the wellbeing of all the fur babies, some ppl say it was selfless, but I don’t see that.

Yeah, I haven’t convinced myself yet.  I doubt I ever will.

I feel like utter shit on a stick.

WOOT WOOT!

WOOT WOOT!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Considering I was panicing (again) about the fact I went to the pub on Sunday and ate my weight in waffle and brownie calzone I am OVER THE MOON!!!   It is SUCH a good feeling to know you can have a good time and still pull it right on back.  I have also started running again, I took a week off – I was tired and ratty and I have discovered in life, if nothing else, it pays to step back if you are not enjoying something and start it again when you feel better – back on the treadmill Monday and LOVED IT.  That much that I signed up and the eldest up for the Colour Run next June! MADNESS!!  But by that time I hope to be able to run 5k without dying,  it is a surprise on the C25k (yeah I dropped the 10k one I was pushing there tbh) when you go from walking/jogging in repetitions of 90 seconds and on week three BOOM 90 jogging, 90 walking, THREE MINUTES jogging, three minutes walking – twice.  THREE MINUTES!

Probably loads of fit ppl reading this going HA! THREE MINUTES! but for a flabby girl with bad knees and a hate for moving faster than 4km an hour unless there is a cake dangling from a string, its TOUGH. But I did it, I  reached out twice to knock it down from 6kmph but I didn’t, I did the full 3 minutes twice without giving in.

So to me, that is a gold star and a HALF!  So last night was a really nice surprise to top off a really stressful day, really nice!

I have been trying to sleep better too, I have got into a pattern of bed between 12-1am and up again between 6-7am and it was killing me, I’ve been in bed by 11pm the last few nights,  and not waking til 7am and slowly I am feeling more human, so sleep definitely is not for the weak, it’s for the sensible.  Although I do fear I am becoming a nan – I have a new found love of beetroot,  cardigans and the urge to learn crochet.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

Oh Monday!

Oh Monday!

It’s Monday – I hate Monday.  I know it’s not uncommon to give the poor day more flack than it should get but its always that feeling of just getting to sleep – especially in the colder weather – and getting snuggled up and warm and BLAMMO – MONDAY!  RIGHT IN THE FACE.

This Monday was harder because I told myself that I am always so shattered on a Monday night after a long day at work, picking up my youngest  from my parents house, then getting home between 6-6.30 (yes I know, not all that long shhhh) and THEN having to make dinner -that I should get up earlier on a Monday and whack something in the slow cooker!  I did this last week, I made a Curry – I think I put too much water in it, oopsy.   So anyway there I was this morning chopping carrots and chicken and herbing up some potatoes and onions and carefully making sure I wasn’t adding too much water, yawning like a trooper.  It better not a) burn the house down (always a worry) or b) taste like crap or I will cry!!!

I am not feeling it today, none of it.  I haven’t had breakfast yet because I cannot eat early in the morning, it just makes me feel ill, so I tend to eat at work around 10am on my break – but today I spent my breaktime at a colleagues desk talking about dogs.  OH DEAR – now my tummy is rumbling, so I am holding on til lunch when I will just shovel everything in my packed lunch bag down my throat (well not the Mug Shot – that’ll be hot).

The cold weather has sent me a bit loopy with food and it’s so anger enducing that I cannot get it together.  I spent the week being good then spent Sunday in a pub for a training shift (discounted food woot!) shovelling all I could into my face, including a Dessert Calzone that must have been about 2000 calories (it was stuffed with waffles, brownies and chocolate sauce ffs) – I didn’t eat all of it, that would have been madness!

But here I am this morning after a reasonably early (for me) night at 11.15pm yawning my goddamn head off crying onto my work paperwork because I can’t get a grip on anything in life right now!  My anxiety has gone through the roof with some stuff going on in RL, I can’t get a grip on food and I am just so effin’ tired!  I am also really fed up of ppl saying “well just don’t worry about it” I don’t have the anxiety that comes out of a cracker, I do have medication to stop me being such a tit – it’s an actual thing, not just me worrying for the sake of it – if I could just stop it,  I would!   Like ok if you don’t want to listen to my anxiety rambling then that’s fair enough,tell me to can it – but do NOT tell me to just carry on or shrug at me and say “well idk why you are worrying” – COS I CAN’T HELP IT!  So frustrating!!   So then I worry about that, that I am being a bother, or maybe I could just stop worrying – wouldn’t life be sweet if we just stopped worrying about stuff we couldn’t control – I remember when I was able to do that without the crippling anxiety feelings weighing me down.

This isn’t a pity me thing, I know I am a tit, I know only I can change it, but sometimes the complete lack of empathy or even time people with give people with anxiety is really saddening – it’s not something anyone likes or wants, it’s not something they can just switch off  – if you can then that’s great,  I think I speak for most ppl with anxiety issues that we envy the ever loving fuck out of you – but we aren’t all wired that way.

AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

😦

YOYOYO

YOYOYO

Hi!

I am feeling a little overwhelmed with life.  I am now sticking to my personal plan (or trying to) and I am struggling a little with my macros.  I have been told that to just try my best to stick to them, but I am finding it hard at times!  High Carb days leave me feeling SOOOO bloated and gross, and tired.  But I haven’t been sleeping well either so I need to sort that out.   I love high protein days though – however, I do struggle to eat 150g of protein a day while keeping my carbs at 100, so high carb days do have an upside, although then it’s a low fat day!  I have digits flying through my brain!   I am also sticking to my work outs, they aren’t massive or huge but I feel like I am doing something, and sticking to my 7k minimum steps a day too – still need to drink more water though – swings and roundabouts.

I did, however, lost 2.6lbs last week, so I was dead chuffed!

The other things overwhelming me is that I seem to have chosen to do a bunch of things at the same time, and my time management is shocking.  I have started to retake my Maths GCSE, I am doing the dieting/working out, I am trying to keep on top of the house work etc and sort the clutter out, and I am also learning new things at work but also considering my future and where I could go/what I can do.  That’s all on top of relationships and organising a hen party and trying to fit into a dress for a wedding (not mine, boo) – I feel a little head explodey!  I need to schedule times for things and stick to it.

Mon/Tues I struggle – I work until 5 and then my youngest has a club on the Tues until 6.30, so I barely touch the ground at home until 7pm,  and Tues is a high protein day so I just tend to ram meat in my mouth (if you know what I mean – hurr) and Mondays I have to collect her from my mums after work and because I now walk everywhere it takes longer and then I get home and the house is a mess and there are teens lounging around in it drinking all my fizzy vimto and cooking scrambled eggs in every bowl in the house in the microwave and I just feel like I want to lose my shit!

Nobody really does a thing in the house but me – fair enough there are other jobs and schools and study to take into consideration, but I am not just a housewife, I work, I am trying to study myself, I am trying to get fit and healthy and do a billion things at once and I am not superwoman.  Needless to say I lose the plot fairly often, but I don’t want to. SCHEDULE AND PLAN! That is what I must do.

Maybe the slow cooker needs to come out on a Mon/Tues, or a quick dinner like Jacket Spuds at the ready, or maybe the teen can show some initiative and try cooking (probably not tho – eh).  Weds/Thurs/Fri I don’t feel so bad, I only work half a day Weds,  but I tend to go home, relax and then it’s school pick up time.  Thurs/Fri the last few weeks I’ve tried to be social, meet friends, do things.. I need to not do that so often I think – spend some quiet time studying or cleaning the house – but UGH.. the lure of toddlers and babies and friends and lunches are too much!

I’m also broke, permanently.   But.. I do have a 4 day trip to Paris planned with a girlfriend, so I am looking forward to that in August.

ANYWAY. THATS MY LIFE. BAI.