I did it last week..

I did it last week..

I lost 2.5lbs – so chuffed with myself – then I had a drink at the weekend and spent all day yesterday recovering and eating all the things – I think I did a record of three fast food meals in one day – ugh.    Drinking didn’t make me feel better – only worse. GOOD JOB SELF!  It was for birthday celebrations tho, so I guess that’s ok.

A lot of people always ask me how I am feeling now, I think it’s what you do when people are down, and the truth is always “struggling”.  I am trying to move on and get past all the stuff, I feel ridiculous at times for feeling the way I do over something so trivial to others.  But I guess there is always someone with a bigger issue, it’s all relative isn’t it.. to yourself I mean.

I am probably boring the socks off anyone that reads this, but I need to write it down and get it out,  and this is my blog so I figure its a good a place as any.  Although I recently joined an online mental health forum and they are such a lovely bunch, and I don’t feel as much of a burden on my friends either. win win.

I feel a bit weird using the term “mental health” when describing what I am going through,  I have struggled for years with feelings, anxiety, feeling down, useless, sad.. but I have never really done much about it, on the outside everyone says I am so cheery (well in a morbid way :D) and seem so with it, my friend was really surprised when I said I was looking to get help, not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I keep chanting to myself – girl, you tried to invite two unknown rescue animals into your home, with the best of intentions,  one of them did not get along with your existing pets, and one of your existing pets did not get along back – it didn’t work out – you didn’t abandon them, you took them back to a warm, safe home where they will spend out the rest of their days – for the safety of all the animals – and that wasn’t a bad thing to do, it was a hard thing to do, but a responsible thing to do.   This doesn’t mean you can’t try again when and if the time is right.

I keep telling myself that and I start to believe it, then something happens and I am right back to feeling like a massive sack of shit again.  I love animals, I’d do anything to help any animal.  I feel like I failed those ones, but if I had have kept them around – I would have been failing them AND my cats.   I guess part of me is really pissed off cos I was so naive – I thought they’d fit right in – and I feel guilty I didn’t think about that more.    I’m also annoyed the rehoming knew they weren’t cat tested but thought they’d be ok too as they usually are.   I’m upset and annoyed at myself mostly tho.

This whole thing has thrown my life into complete disarray, it’s crazy.  My diets gone out the window, I haven’t even looked at my homework when my exam is in a few months and all coursework has to be in in a month or so, I’ve stopped eating, eaten too much, had no sleep, slept all the time – it’s been such a rollercoaster.   I feel like a burden to most, then I feel lonely and think maybe if I just disappeared from everywhere then peoples lives would be much better without me prattling on, like just delete all my social media stuff, get a train somewhere far away and just let ppl have good lives without me in it.. and that scares me and makes me sad because I know that’s not right.

Everyone I have spoken to has been nothing short of kind and amazing, yet here I am still worrying ppl think I’m a terrible person and I should be ashamed.

So no, I don’t like to use the term “mental health” but that is what it is, and that is what I am having a problem with right now.  BUT YAY, lost 2.5lbs.

People have asked me to please concentrate on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, because they are far more important and outweigh the other, that I am a wonderful, kind, funny, caring person.  I wish I felt that!

What I wouldn’t give for a time machine, huh?

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Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

I can’t say that’s totally true for me, if you know me or you’ve been keeping up with my blog you know its been a very mixed emotion month or so, but as a good friend said to me, yes you’ll feel down, but the periods that you don’t will get longer and longer.

I can’t help but think about the whole dog adoption trial failure debarcle over and over, even though many have said it’s done, it can’t be undone, you tried your best and ALL animals are safe, happy and settled, so you did the absolute right thing – it still makes me cry all the time.   I know there is nothing stopping me in the future to provide a rescue dog with a home and maybe that will heal the pain caused by this, but I also am not naive enough to know that it will be a long process, making sure the cats are ok with dogs, making sure the dog is ok with cats, making sure we get the absolute right fight for our household – so all is not lost forever, just this time it wasn’t supposed to be.

Pretty sure all my friends are sick of listening to me whinge on about it, although they’ve all been so great to me, and I love them for it.

Anyway, I need to try and get out of this funk and I am not sure how – I need to start exercising again, I need to get back on dieting again –  I need to get out of this low slump that I can’t seem to manage.   But I know my mental health and my actual health are on a downward spiral right now and I need to sort that – I need to stop feeling like a horrible person, like a failure – yes something failed but not for the want of making it work, not with all the best intentions – I tried to give rescue dogs a home a home with rescue cats and was naive enough to think as they were the same breed as our old dog they’d be ok,  and I was wrong – that doesn’t mean I am a horrible person, I didn’t dump them on the street or even in a kennel, they went back to a warm house which they were previously fostered in and are beyond loved and are happier there.   Stop beating myself up – that is what I need to do.

That being said, a friend of mine donated us two Musk Turtles, as after having a child and moving into a smaller flat really needed the room they took up – so now we have two turtles too, they’re cute and they are going in my eldest daughters room, my girls are happy with them and although yes we have cats, they are in a lidded tank and the cats won’t be able to get to them – but it’s given me something new to worry about!

Ugh, someone slap me and make me sort my damn life out please.  I just hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a terrible person because I try so so hard to be the best I can, and I do anything and everything for anyone and everyone – I am a people pleaser, and I feel that is my biggest failure here.

Hrrmmm

Hrrmmm

Well, I am still here – still struggling in SO many ways.

I’ve managed to put on 7lbs in the last 4 weeks – oh well – I can lose that again I know that, I am not going to lose that much sleep over it, although I am a bit disappointed in myself.  Not the end of the world tho, back to overnight oats, salad in jars and a chicken/bacon pasta until it comes out of my eyeballs.

Things are tootling along in the background, not much of it I can go into right now, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can prattle on about that!

Other than that I’m still very emotional, I think it’s only since the whole debarcle with the two lovely girl pugs and it all being so stressful that it has really hit me to grieve for Mr Tom.   I just got on with it, I didn’t spend endless weeks moping about, I missed him but I kept it to a minimum outwardly.  But since the failed adoption trial with them I have been a wreck, hardly sleeping, over eating (or not at all, then eating enough for four), feeling sick and generally shitty, crying all the time randomly and just breaking down at really inopportune times.  YAY!  I have shut myself away from reality really,  this is the first time in weeks I’ve been on my laptop, although obvs I’ve been on my phone – you know, can’t live without technology!   I’ve found solace in dumb phone games, watching more movies, reading more books, and geeking out with my kids with card and dice games, and it’s been really nice.

Those who know me know I am not overly social in RL, I love to go out and BE social, but only with those I am comfy with, and my best friends mainly live inside my PC scattered around the country/globe.   I have missed them, but I haven’t felt that it’s ok to go onto social media and be chirpy or integrate with people, because I have felt ashamed and like I should sit in a corner and just think about what I’ve done until I die, pretty much.

I have kinda lost the plot big time with my feelings although to be honest it was about time for a proper meltdown.    So I had a do adoption trial that didn’t work out because the dogs (well one of them) was not a cat fan, and the cats (again one of the little buggers) was also not a fan of this said dog – it happens, I didn’t abandon them in a shelter or in a field, they went back to a home where they were safe, loved and happy (I could tell that when I dropped them off and they ran around playing carefree without wading into a cat fight) – I feel like I failed but in reality it was animal personalities clashing – I guess I spent so long trawling the internet and reading the opinions of ppl saying it needs more time, try feliway, do this, do that (for the record I have feliway out the wazoo), oh god ppl that give up on pets are awful and deserve hell – that I bought into it and feel like I am not worthy of anything.  These people weren’t living in the situation I was and if I could have kept the dogs/cats separate at ALL times and I was a stay at home person then maybe I could have lasted longer, but these spats happened in front of me and my kids constantly, it wasn’t fun to watch, and you can’t surely live in a house where pets are always kept away from each other or ones are locked away – what is the point in that?  But I read all the shitty comments on other ppls posts and felt they were aimed at me – batshit much?  Bear in mind these were ppl that were giving their dogs up for a variety of reasons – after YEARS – not people that had failed adoption trials.   There were the odd nice commenters who understood it wasn’t an easy choice for the person to make and pointed out the welfare of the dogs should be first, not the stigma of rehoming an animal being an awful thing to do – not always is that the case – but none the less the internet left me feeling like a shitty person in a world full of people that were willing to “try harder”.  I am not naive enough to believe if I am in full capacity of my wits that that is even remotely true – everyones story is different,  we can judge and point and say we can do better – but we aren’t living in those shoes.

My friend asked me if I thought putting things out on FB or in the open was the wisest thing, but I guess its what I do – not my entire business but I do just tend to waffle, just to get it out – and yeah I could do that privately,  I guess I seek the comfort of friends when I am feeling down, although I am aware that I can do that privately, so I’ve been thinking about social media too, and how many ppl I have that probably couldn’t give two shits about whats going on in my life and probably don’t even give my shit the time of day – yet there I am putting it all out there, seems a bit silly!  (a bit like this post I think, but its my personal blog and only the ppl I share the link with or will find it by some weird miracle will read it, so thats ok :P) – I don’t know if it’s just because I’m actually in a really low place or I am just trying to find myself, but I find myself less and less drawn to being online – that happens now and then tho, so no drastic deleting of accounts or leaving games/online words – just stepping back and letting life take its course however it happens.

Yet here I still am, stressing about anything and everything, anxiety through the roof about the smallest of things, things that probably don’t even matter – no1currrs.  Doesn’t stop me wanting to vomit 24/7 or want to just drive somewhere and set up a whole new life to mess up.  DRAMATIC OR WHAT?   Yeah, I don’t do things by halves.

Just when I think it’s ok I go down a bit again, but I know I don’t have it that bad, I should be thankful for what I do have, and I am.  I am thankful for my friends who have listened to me and not killed me, my family for being there for me, anyone and everyone that has hugged me or sent me a nice message or words of support when I have felt that I have deserved none of it, and should probably just be shot in the face on sight.

I have a lot to be happy for, and thankful for and I know I will get there, it’s a bit like 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that’s still getting a little further each time.

I wish I wasn’t feeling like a complete hopeless nutcase who doesn’t deserve anything, because it doesn’t feel like its much like me at all, and I miss feeling more like me.

It’s been a while.

It’s been a while.

Hey guys,

It’s been a while.   I have been on and off with my diet, we had a bit of an upheavel in my RL and I am being a bit of a debbie downer about it.

We had our pug, Mr Tom a few years ago, we rescued him at 8/9 years old and he was a slow, quiet, docile old thing who mostly just slept.  Adorable! Wasn’t a jumper so couldn’t get up the stairs or on the sofas, and we loved him.  Sadly he passed away a few months ago and I always said NO MORE DOGS – this is my 3rd dog heartbreak and I didn’t feel I could take it.   Also we have two cats.  One is more dominant and the other is seemingly quiet, shy and retiring who is scared of her own shadow.   They weren’t in love with the dog, but they also weren’t really bothered by him, although the more docile cat – Molly – took her fair share of swipes at him, but he bowed his head and she let it go.

2 weeks ago we were selected to adopt 2 pugs.  Mother and Daughter – Millie and Tilly – I didn’t even think twice about this, I was prepared for double costs, poops, walking etc… but what I did not count on – was the cats hating every second of it.

I bought them home and while they would all eat treats together in a ring, as soon as food was out the way all bets were off.  I thought I’d have trouble with the more dominant cat,  but she just took a swipe when the smallest dog went for her and got out of harms way – not perfect solution – but workable.  The other cat? Molly? That timid shy thing that runs from her own shadow? turned into a vicious beast.   She drew blood – several times – she hissed at their every movement,  she swatted and battled and unlike Mr Tom, they battled back.  Not Millie (5 yr old mother of 3 yr old Tilly) so much, but Tilly may not have aggressively fought back, but she defended herself, and who could blame her?

I thought this would pass, people kept saying give it time, give it time.  I booked trainer appointments, I got plug ins, eventually the cat was put on anti anxiety medication but it didn’t help, it just kept pilling on, they couldn’t walk thru the living room door without the cat attacking them, I couldn’t leave the room without ensuring either that cat or the dogs were with me, twice I had to run down the stairs straight from the toilet almost killing myself with my trousers round my ankles cos I could hear them kicking off – and with their flat faces, pugs eyes are SO vulnerable, a claw in the wrong area could set them back for life.  People suggested sectioning off areas of the house,  there is nothing I could do to stop the cats getting into any of the rooms except the bedrooms, its an open plan house, but we did start shutting the dogs into the kitchen if we were going out.   I feel like everyone is pointing and judging with the ” you didn’t try hard enough” – people haven’t as far as I know, they’ve all agreed it was the best thing for all involved, and no shame in that.

I was a bag of nerves, I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping.  While these two lovable dogs just wanted to be on my lap constantly, which was fine, as soon as they moved it was a pet war zone, I am not even exaggerating.  I hadn’t counted on this and it threw me.

Less than two weeks after we picked them up so excited I broke everyones heart and after a discussion with my vet and my girls dad, and the foster mum of the dogs, I decided they had to go back and I haven’t stopped crying since.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I offered these dogs their forever home and didn’t try hard enough to make it work.    They were not ever left alone with the cats if I was out, but I stopped going anywhere because I didn’t want them to be shut in the kitchen while I galavanted, they aren’t senior dogs that just wanted to sleep and they weren’t allowed to roam, because I feared the cat would maim them, I felt like a prisoner in my own home, even when I was in my own home and I literally sat crying all the time, about the fighting, about everything.

Reality is the longer it went on, the more aggressive and in their face the cat got unless held back.  It wasn’t constant, but it was unpredictable.   I didn’t want them to get damaged eyes and I also had to think about the welfare of my cats too.  A lot of people said “get rid of the cat?” I couldn’t do that – what kind of person would that make me? Out with the old and in with the new? Not my style.  Shes not an aggressive cat, pugs are not an aggressive breed – but these two together just wasn’t working.

I feel awful, I have broken my own heart, I am pretty sure I have broken my girls hearts.  The foster mum is a lovely LOVELY lady and I drove 200 round miles with my own mum to drop them back, I didn’t want to keep them for Christmas as that felt wrong, and I also wanted them to be out of harms way.    As soon as they were back in her home Tillys tail shot up, I hadn’t seen it up around the cats at all, only when Molly was out of the way, they ran around with the ladies dogs and they looked at home.  I don’t think i’ve ever felt so much of a failure in my life.

I know deep down they are better off, we have kept in touch and she said they are fine, settled and its like they’ve never been away. The cats, however, are still fighting amongst themselves – but I hope that will get better – they’ve only ever done that once before.  I just feel so low.

I was prepared to pay the earth – I told the charity to keep the adoption fees, I didn’t want a refund, it wasn’t about the money – I bought vaccinations for life that will carry over and all their new crates and bedding and toys went with them.  The foster mum tells me this goes to show how huge my heart is – I don’t feel like it is.

I should take it as a learning curve, I know.   Not all dogs can get on with all cats, but I’ve sat this morning looking at friends photos of their dog/cat combos and I can’t help feeling like that could have happened – but as everyone keeps pointing out, it may not have too, and with damage being done to one of the four animals that I would never forgive myself for.

I keep trying to convince myself I did the right thing for all, I am probably the one suffering the most – they are loved and happy and out of the cats claws reach, the cats are slowly coming back to normality, the kids will bounce back no doubt – but I feel like this dwelling is never ending.

It’s not as easy as just “moving on” when you feel you’ve done something wrong.  I just wish I could feel better.

Sorry just waffling here as it’s the only place I can waffle.

I didn’t give them away cos I couldn’t be arsed, or that I just got bored, they were rescue dogs, with rescue cats – where no backgrounds are really known – and I did it for the wellbeing of all the fur babies, some ppl say it was selfless, but I don’t see that.

Yeah, I haven’t convinced myself yet.  I doubt I ever will.

I feel like utter shit on a stick.

WOOT WOOT!

WOOT WOOT!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Considering I was panicing (again) about the fact I went to the pub on Sunday and ate my weight in waffle and brownie calzone I am OVER THE MOON!!!   It is SUCH a good feeling to know you can have a good time and still pull it right on back.  I have also started running again, I took a week off – I was tired and ratty and I have discovered in life, if nothing else, it pays to step back if you are not enjoying something and start it again when you feel better – back on the treadmill Monday and LOVED IT.  That much that I signed up and the eldest up for the Colour Run next June! MADNESS!!  But by that time I hope to be able to run 5k without dying,  it is a surprise on the C25k (yeah I dropped the 10k one I was pushing there tbh) when you go from walking/jogging in repetitions of 90 seconds and on week three BOOM 90 jogging, 90 walking, THREE MINUTES jogging, three minutes walking – twice.  THREE MINUTES!

Probably loads of fit ppl reading this going HA! THREE MINUTES! but for a flabby girl with bad knees and a hate for moving faster than 4km an hour unless there is a cake dangling from a string, its TOUGH. But I did it, I  reached out twice to knock it down from 6kmph but I didn’t, I did the full 3 minutes twice without giving in.

So to me, that is a gold star and a HALF!  So last night was a really nice surprise to top off a really stressful day, really nice!

I have been trying to sleep better too, I have got into a pattern of bed between 12-1am and up again between 6-7am and it was killing me, I’ve been in bed by 11pm the last few nights,  and not waking til 7am and slowly I am feeling more human, so sleep definitely is not for the weak, it’s for the sensible.  Although I do fear I am becoming a nan – I have a new found love of beetroot,  cardigans and the urge to learn crochet.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

Still dying

Still dying

Ok, not dying, but I still can’t breathe properly, have a cough and keep sneezing – but alas I made it to work!  I got a FitBit One yesterday, I decided my Ultra just wasn’t cutting it (I just wanted wireless/bluetooth syncing, sue me) and I was happy to find out I’d banged out 7k steps yesterday, didn’t do much but I am happy with that. 5k is my goal to start with, anything over that I am taking as a bonus!

I have found it to be a LOT more accurate than my vivosmart, so I am happy. I can forgive 10 steps out overall, over 100 steps out for 2 mins of typing!!!  So now I have my motivation tool! YAY!

I am not finding WW very helpful at the minute, I knew this would happen, I need the accountability of going and getting weighed, but the points just do my head in – and their database is just shocking, everything I scanned over the weekend wasn’t in there and I got very frustrated – so for now, I am keeping my membership but I have headed on over to MFP again, that’s how I lost the weight last time – MFP and exercise, this time I just need to stick to it.   We will see come next weekend on weigh in day how I have fared, but I feel I am eating a LOT more – and not unhealthy stuff either, I just feel I get more for Calorie value than I do points, and still keeping within my fat/sodium/carb targets too.

I have a lot of change going on – I am not overly happy at work which I am trying to fix, I have a lot of personal relationship type stuff going on that is really messing with my head at times and I am trying to lose weight, all that on top of having a family at home to take care of – sometimes I just want to run away!  But that won’t solve anything will it.  I’m very tearful a lot, which I guess is hormones and I do not sleep well, so throw tired and emotional into the mix and my life just seems BLEH!

But I am getting there, the 4lb loss last week has motivated me, and hopefully my FitBit will motivate me some more, I need to lose this weight and most importantly I WANT to, for me.

It’s about time I thought about ME.

Attitude

Attitude

This post isn’t so much about weight loss (cos I have been so busy the last few weeks I forgot to bother – but I think I am doing ok!) it’s about attitude.

Anyone that knows me, and knows me well knows I have fierce and strong opinions on things I am passionate about, but.. I have no confidence or courage to speak up about things.   I hate that, I hate that I see things that make me angry and I rarely speak up, I have been on a bit of a journey recently trying to find myself, make myself a better person, feel more human.. I have really been struggling lately with a lot of things in my life, both on a personal level and a work level and god on all sorts of levels about all sorts of things.

I am desperately unhappy most of the time with things in my life, which is why I am going to a workshop to help me change those things, and I know it’s one baby step at a time, trying to change the world in one foul swoop will not help me at ALL.

I think one of the things I fear most is what people think of me.  I know myself that I don’t think less of a person if they have a different opinion to mine (well unless it’s RIDICULOUS and racist or homophobic or any of those things), I don’t look down on ppl for their thoughts or ideas if I don’t agree with them, I accept the world turns because we are all different, but I am so scared of people disliking me or belitting me or thinking I am a moron… but WHY?  This is one of the questions I need to answer for myself and just quit worrying about.

The thing that makes it MORE ridiculous is that a majority of these people are people I have never and will never meet, that are anonymous people on the internet, but it terrifies me to think they won’t like me if I speak up, or think I’m stupid.  I need to work out why I care so much about these people that live inside my PC when I have oodles of friends that respect my opinion, that love me for WHO I am, no matter what I think.

Why do I do this to myself?!   I have huge anxiety problems, and honestly I could sit and cry at my PC if someone say something curt to me, I really could and that makes me feel so SO pathetic.

I’m a nice person, I am kind, I am good natured, I’d cut off my arm to make other people happy even if it hurts me (which obvs it would), I am mostly a hugely selfless person that just loves animals and kids and baking and dorky things… I just am so not cut out for being an adult, I have to adult and I have to suck it up but lately I do fear a little for my sanity.  I have been to the Dr and taken all the questionnaires and ticked all the boxes that say I can’t sleep and I worry and have anxiety and don’t eat properly and cry all the time, and apparently thats ok, nothing to worry about.

I deflect things with dry wit, sarcasm and humour.  I joke about inappropriate things and I have quite a dark sense of humour but that is how I deal,  I find it easier to just go full on sarcasm about something than anything else because it’s just the way I am.  I rarely say boo to a goose online, but my RL sees me dealing with people all day every day and I am bubbly and outgoing and friendly and ok I still have my sarcasm and wit and dark sense of humour but I was only thinking yesterday nobody would have a clue how utterly miserable I feel at times because I mask it, and I mask it hard because I don’t want to be seen as weak or miserable or helpless or pathetic.

I wish my attitude about things was to not care as much, I need to be more like that.   I feel I need to be a totally different person, or to grow as one, but then I kinda like who I am too.

LIFE IS HARD, PEOPLE!